Abi Was Here

Hope Deferred

2011-12-08T07:45:00.001-08:00

Hope is essential to life. We need it to keep getting up in the morning. We need it to make it through another day at the office. We need it to live through family gatherings. We have to hold on to something that says,"There is something better on the way."

I struggle with hope, among other things. Sometime over the past year I lost it and I haven't been able to get it back. As I've said before, I know all the right answers and I know where my future lies. What I lack is that fire burning inside that tells me that there is greatness ahead. It's been spoken over me. Perhaps I haven't received it.

I do have some hope that things will turn out all right, but I lack the positive feeling that should accompany it. There are specific things that I hope for that I have learned to just not speak about. It's a hope that few around me really get. Speaking it also seems to make it less likely to come true.

So what little hope I still cling to I keep in my pocket. Like the Word says, "Hope deferred makes a heart sick." One day it will come to pass and it will all be worth the waiting. Till then I will have a bit of a sick heart that lings for something it's never had the pleasure of knowing.

Mischief Managed

2011-12-06T07:46:00.001-08:00

One thing about the beginning of the Holiday season that I never and always look forward to is the constant coming and going. There are trips out of town. Dogs to be watched. Shopping to be done. Parties to attend. Life suddenly gets very full.

I love the flurry of activity but it never ceases to overwhelm me. Parties get loud. I get tired of not sleeping in my own home. I remember why I don't have a pet of my own. I suddenly find myself standing ankle deep in clutter around the house and neck deep in mental clutter. "Cluttered space, cluttered mind. Open space, open heart."
The clutter makes me an unhappy person. I think that is the most pleasant way of putting it.

So, like I did this past weekend, I have to knuckle down and get to work on getting things back in order so I can make it through the final stretch. It's not easy. It's most often unpleasant. But in the end it's worth it to have some sanity still in tact for New Year's Day.

Pleasing to who?

2011-11-22T07:47:00.001-08:00

I've only just begun to take a look at where my heart is at. I seem to have a problem with being genuine and being completely distracted.
I really want to give everything I am to Jesus; to love Hom, serve Him, be pleasing to Him. I want a heart that is full of worship and praise to Him, and Him alone.
But all too often I find myself chasing after less wild lovers. I seem to get caught up on the idea that following Christ and living a life abandoned to Him is somehow boring. The truth is that it scares me. (I "know" all the answers to that. You don't have to quote scripture at me. No amount of "knowing" makes it stick until He makes it Revelation.) Jesus is a wild lover and He can wreck a so-called life.
I want to be wrecked, i have been wrecked, but I still get distracted by the shiny new things around me. Perhaps I will learn more focus this go round.

What's New With Me

2011-11-06T14:22:00.000-08:00

Since my last post before today was back in June I feel like I should update a few things.

1. I am now 29. Yep, not quite 30. For the most part I don't feel it, but then I remember that this was the year I thought I was going to die of gallstones and the year I had my first real surgery (unrelated to the gallstones). Oddly enough I don't have the knee pain that I used to. I thought the aches and pains got worse not better with age? This could be due to the fact that my sporadic exercise has become only slightly more frequent.

2. My oldest bro and his family have now moved to Belgium. They just moved at the end of September and they kind of hate it. I think things started looking up when their personal belongings arrived. Then they realized a lot of stuff was broken. No news yet on the total amount of damages. My fingers are crossed that no guitars or leg lamps were harmed. I believe that someone might lose more than their job if that happened. We have already started planning Thanksgiving and it feels weird not including them. I think we are all very thankful for Facebook and for Vonage. I would be thankful for Skype if I ever got around to using it.

3. Relationship status...still single. I have experienced my first "Well, some people are called to be single" moment. This just so happened to be at a wedding shower for one of my girls that's in college. I was horrified enough to tell one of my other single friends. She shared it with the single girls she was vacationing with. Unanimous decision: Don't say this to any woman ever! No matter what age she may be! There have been a couple attempts to get me set up with a nice young guy here and there. This just usually ends up in nothing. I'm not interested. He's not interested. One or both of us thinks the person that set us up is on crack. I'm in no rush but it feels like it will be sooner rather than later. With who? I have no idea. Your guess is as good as mine.

4. My "Kids" are growing up and leaving me. They are in college, they have jobs, one of them has even gotten married. The day one of them has a kid I may have to do a little cave dwelling to collect my thoughts and get a new grip on the world. As it is I have a hard time remembering that I have a 13 year old nephew and a 12 year old niece. When did that happen? It doesn't help that said niece and nephew are at least as tall as I am now.

5. I still don't know how to behave like a real grown-up. I am becoming convinced with everyday that people who behave like "real" grown-ups don't really know how to live. I may be 29 but I still love a Veggie Tales sing-along.

Owning a Home Part 2...ish

2011-11-06T14:05:00.000-08:00

Way back when I wrote the other post I had such high hopes of completing it the following week. As with many things in my life, when I make plans of this magnitude they usually don't happen.

So allow me to finish up in as short a way as possible how I came to me a homeowner.

We already know that I went into this with some wise council. That wasn't enough for me though. The way I go about doing anything is first reading up on the process. Like the good bookworm that I am I went to Books -A-Million and tracked down a book called "The Everything First Time Homebuyer's Guide." It was just rewritten that year to include information on the current (at the time) housing market. It took me only a week to read through the whole book. It defined words I didn't know I would need to know. It gave helpful hints on where to spend money and where to save money. In short it became my second bible.
Around the same time there was an issue of U.S News and World Report that came out also with handy tips for first time homebuyers. Some people would see this as a coincidence. I knew it was because of this group of crazy folks like myself that were going to take advantage of that lovely tax rebate for first time homebuyers.

Armed with this new information I then set out to get approved for a mortgage. This ended up being the most annoying process of it all besides the signing day. This is not the quickest process in the world when you aren't going through some government program. How much down will I be paying? How much home am I approved for? What is my credit score? What the heck is PITI? The mortgage lady thought is was funny when I just started to referring to it as the "pity" payments. I got approved and at a decent rate, much to my own surprise but apparently not to anyone else's.

Next, time to pick what kind of house I'm looking for then commission a realtor. The realtor was easy. Rachel Erwin - ya know, Chris Erwin's wife, pastor of CotHMgm - just so happens that she and her mother ran a little real estate through Remax and she just so happened to be available. I had wonderful timing too...Rachel was rather a few months along with her Liam at the time. I made my lists of needs and my list of wants. She responded with a list of homes. I shared the list with my mother. With our powers combined I narrowed it down to about 4 houses. My mom was out of work at the time and took a field trip to each one to check it out. She made her pick but decided not to tell me so as to not persuade me.

Something I learned about myself while looking at homes was that I can't stand the smell of old houses. I love the look of them! But that smell just sticks to your nasal cavity and won't go away. You know that smell...mold, mildew, a little stain of people from ages past. Oh, and I'm usually paranoid that the old house will infact be haunted. I lucked out though. The very first house I saw, also my mom's pick, ended up being the house I fell for. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, decent sized living room/kitchen/dinning room and built in '96 surrounded by homes built in varying decades from 1902 to current. It had the added bonus of being just down the street from some good friends of mine.

That house has been blessed by many friends and my close family. I've hosted dinners for my girls, Christmas for the family, and sometimes I'll even have a family of friends over for dinner and a movie. I love living closer to my parents and all my friends. When that lovely house has been broken into they were my first responders. When I have been laid up at the house from surgery or illness they have been able to stop by and check on me. I love my little blue house with it's ridiculously huge yard. It's wonderful to know that I can get up in the middle of the night and pace the house in prayer without disturbing another human being. I don't know what the future holds for me and that house, but I'm going to enjoy it while I can.

You Know You're A Homeowner When...Part 1

2011-06-14T18:57:00.000-07:00

...you see curtains and light bulbs as "investment pieces".

I have now been in my house for a little over a year. I realized not long ago that i never shared the story of how I ever came to own my home. It was possibly the most miraculous event of my life thus far...and I've seen my dad be cured of cancer.

It all started in January of 2010...It was time for making New Year's Resolutions and I took my time to really think about what I wanted. I'm sure I came up with some other awesome ideas, but "buying my own home" was definitely at the top of the list. Being the insanely logical person that I am I backtracked from the goal to where I was at that time. I had no money in savings, kind of spending at random, and living fairly comfortably with a great friend for going on 4 years. So...I needed a plan.

1. Pay off any debt.
2. Save like crazy.
3. When I turn 30 I will be able to buy a house and put a nice downpayment on it.

I shared my plans with a few family members and some friends and the response in general was positive. Then it got weird. Suddenly it felt like there was an urgency to buy the house; that I should do it now instead of later. One day I was at work and I talked about it with a co-worker. He said I sounded like I already had my mind made up. I still wanted to be sure...especially since I was basically starting at zero. I sent a text message out to some friends and asked for them to pray with me "to have some clarity in a situation." I decided to not get specific. Meanwhile I pulled out my Bible and I just opened to random scripture.

Psalm 50: 10-11 "For all the animals of the forest are mine, and I own the cattle on a thousand hills. I know every bird on the mountains, and all the animals of the field are mine."

Then a friend responded and got Matthew 6: 25-34. "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."

Now, to anyone else those might seem like they are saying "Don't add more to your plate!" But those two scriptures said "I've got you on this, you're going to be ok."

And then another friend send me a message, it was a prayer for hindrance to be removed from my prayers being answered. And then oddly she ended the message with "Yes." What was that about? I asked her and she said, "Well, I was praying and that was the answer I got...'Yes, Go for it, ok'. I have no idea what that means but...yeah." That pretty much sealed it. I sent an email to my mom at work and told her of the slight change in plans. She had talked to my dad about it and they agreed that now would actually be a good time to buy a house.

With that, I started my journey to buying my first home.

Songs of Summer

2011-05-29T19:04:00.000-07:00

Recently there was a post by Jon Acuff about creating a Summer Soundtrack for his family. Honestly i didn't read the whole blog post (short attention span for reading lately), but I immediately knew what song fits my summer mood. Upon further thought I have two songs for Summer by the same artist. Kind of polar opposites to fit my sometimes bi-polar mood.

The first that came to mind: "Drumming Song" by Florence & the Machine
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a drumming noise inside my head that starts when you're around
I swear that you could hear it
It makes such an almighty sound

There's a drumming noise inside my head
That throws me to the ground
I swear that you should hear it
It makes such an all mighty sound

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

I ran to a tower where the church bells chime
I hoped that they would clear my mind
They left a ringing, in my ear
But that drum's beating loud and clear

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

As I move my feet towards your body
I can hear this beat it fills my head up
And gets louder and louder
It fills my head up and gets louder and louder

I run to the river and dive straight in
I pray that the water will drown out the din
But as the water fills my mouth
It couldn't wash the echoes out
But as the water fills my mouth
It couldn't wash the echoes out

I swallow the sound and it swallows me whole
Till there's nothing left inside my soul
As empty as that beating drum
But the sound has just begun

As I move my feet towards your body
I can hear this beat it fills my head up
And gets louder and louder
It fills my head up and gets louder and louder

There's a drumming noise inside my head
That starts when you're around
I swear that you could hear it
It makes such an all mighty sound

There's a drumming noise inside my head
That starts when you're around
I swear that you could hear it
It makes such an all mighty sound

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

As I move my feet towards your body
I can hear this beat it fills my head up
And gets louder and louder
It fills my head up and gets louder and louder
----------------------------------------------------------------------

As you can see, it's a little on the down side. Great song to listen to while driving around with the windows down on an extremely hot day though...

The second, and possibly more "summery" song is: "Dog Days Are Over" by Florence & the Machine
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than
that

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your loving, your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run--------------------------------------------------------------

The funny thing is that if you listen to this last song it sounds really chipper. I guess these two songs kind of show the two faces of my soon to be summer.

You Already Know

2011-05-20T18:21:00.000-07:00

I've come to realize that many lessons about God can be learned by opening your eyes during your day job.

For instance...

On a daily basis we get requests from the service centers for due date changes, policy plan changes, and general questions along the lines of "Why do they owe this much?". I've been working these requests for about 5 1/2 years. I have seen pretty much everything. It takes me only a minute of looking at someones Billing Summary and I can tell you what your question is going to be and what the answer is. Yet still we receive requests on a daily basis that read like this:

Good morning. Can you help me with and issue?

This customer is getting a divorce and their dog died,

and they ex-brother-in-law stole their wallet before they

left for Iraq. Their new mother-in-law has cancer so she is

moving in with them at the beginning of next month. There are

a lot of confusing words on my screen that I don't understand and so

I was wondering if you could tell me how much this customer owes and if

it's possible for their due date to be changed to the 25th beginning with July.

I read that and see: Change due dates to the 25th after the June bill goes out. Look at the schedule and copy/paste what is showing due for May or June (whichever one the customer has already received an invoice for).

For whatever reason it just hit me today that this is another thing that depicts God.

1. We go and make these long drawn out prayers to God, telling him every detail of everything when all we have to do is just make our requests known to Him, straight-up, no extra details needed. Remember what one quality of God is? All-Knowing. Yep, that means that whatever is going on He already knows about. Your job is to submit your request into the situation. His job is to answer it how He sees fit. You don't have to explain to Him why you are making the request or why you have chosen the request that you have. He's not you. He already knows.

2. We get caught up in all the confusing language and don't realize that it's all really simple. Most Christians do not have the entire Bible memorized. In fact if most of us were to quote some length of scripture from memory we would likely end up misquoting it. But the Bible does have the answers. There are many resources that will help you find whatever you are looking for. Chances are if you've been a Christian for any length of time (a few minutes to 100 years) you probably already know the answer because the Word lives in you.

Philippians 4:6
Matthew 5:37
Matthew 6:32
Hebrews 4:12-13
Psalms 40:8

Punch In, Punch Out

2011-05-06T18:27:00.000-07:00

I could use a vacation.

But if I take a vacation will it really solve anything?

I find myself just wanting to hide out and be by myself.

Lately I can't tell you where my head has been.

One minute I'm focused and happy, life is going well.

The next minute I'm angry, sad, anxious.

I'm tired and numb from the up and down, back and forth.

I want to just step away from my life and find somewhere that I have room to breath and think.

That place is not my house.

That place is not the house of my friends.

I don't even think that place is at a Church.

If I'm being honest, I haven't prayed in a very long time.

I haven't read my Bible since Valentine's Day.

I haven't been to church in...a very long time.

My heart isn't in it anymore.

My heart really isn't in anything anymore.

Where did my heart go?

Why has my heart stopped beating for anything?

Where has my inspiration gone?

It's like one day I woke up and put off all the childish things, but I still don't know which grown up things to put on.

So here I sit...

I do my laundry.

I pull the weeds.

I do the dishes.

I vacuum the floor.

I eat.

I sleep.

I go to work.

But who am I now?

Where am I supposed to be?

What am I supposed to do from here?

How can salt that has lost is saltiness ever become salty again?

I wait for the spark to ignite something inside me.

I hope that there is still something inside to be ignited.

Perhaps that hope hints at the existence of something that still wishes to be alive.

For now I will be on the look out for my piece of peace on earth.

My One and Only Political Rant

2011-04-09T07:40:00.000-07:00

To those who would like to bash the President of the United States of America for "his" in-action in your country:
First of all, you didn't vote for him - you have no say in what he says or does. This is what we tell all of the American citizens when the elections come around and it holds true for those who aren't American citizens. No vote = no voice.
Next, lets try to remember that this is not YOUR government. Do you remember what country you are a citizen of? If it's not America then where do you get off calling our leaders names and decrying them as hypocrites? The world is like a big playground. The President of the USA is our big brother. Your country is like the older cousin that we try to forget we are related to unless it's convenient for us. Playground rules state: It's OK for me to call my brother names and beat him up, but anyone else who does the same to him is going to get whooped.

A note to remember as well: You are not the only one who needs our help. Yes, we know what's going on. Just about everyone has cable and/or Internet. We are generally knowledgeable of world affairs. I can guarantee you that the President is even MORE knowledgeable of world affairs. Do not for one second think that his "in-action" is because he doesn't care. He does not act alone or on his own behalf. This man is in charge of the entire country. He cannot enter into any situation without thinking about how his decisions will affect the American people, the military, AND our standing with the rest of the world. We have our foot in just about every door around the globe: Excuse us for running out of feet!

Why does every country cry out to America for help? Why do you complain if we don't act on your behalf? Why can't your nation do something about it? Why do we always have to be the first to act?

Our nation is drowning in debt. Our nation can't even figure out a budget and just narrowly avoided a situation where service men and women would be expected to perform their duties without pay. Our nation has education issues, health care issues, unemployment issues, and general personality issues. Yes, we are a very comfortable people who do not have to deal with the government or terrorists breaking down our doors. It's one of the benefits of freedom.

"But with great power comes great responsibility."

Our President, though we may bash him plenty here in the USA, is still in charge. He and those who lead with him must think before they act. He needs to see if it's cool with the rest of his people to send more troops to another hostile territory and try to regain some order. So take a number, have a seat, and we will be with your shortly.

Abi's Kitchen

2011-03-30T19:59:00.000-07:00

I like to have people over for meals from time to time. There are some who have a standing invitation. There seems to be a basic theme when people come over; You come over, I feed you, you talk. That person with the standing invitation calls it her weekly "session". I also tend to fix stuff to take to other people if I'm going for an extended or random visit. Last weekend I took bread and cookies to three different places. Me providing food is one of the ways I say "I love you so have some yummy goodness".

Tonight I went to the store and got really excited about being able to cook for some people over the next few days. This is when I know that I'm starting to get in a better place: I enjoy cooking again. I like making food that people enjoy. I like trying out recipes that I've grown up on and even some random Cooks.com discoveries. If I didn't cook for others I would probably live off of frozen pizza and PBJ sandwiches. What is more sad than that? (probably eating out all the time)

Some guy once told me, "The way to your heart is through your stomach!" My stomach? No. The way to any woman's heart is not through her stomach. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...that is fairly true. Feed a man a good meal and you have his attention. My Thursday night dinners have been called "practice" for that fateful day when I finally get married. Lets just hope I don't end up with a picky eater. He'll just have to live with me cooking for everybody else in my life.

Putting some pen to paper

2011-03-23T19:12:00.000-07:00

Over the past week I have really been fighting with myself over my mental state. I know, in my mind, that I have given up on a lot of things. I see that I am quitting more than I am sticking to or starting anything. I haven't figured out yet if it's the right track or if this is going to be a bad end. What I do know is that writing it all down is helping a lot. Getting the thoughts out of my head makes me feel lighter. I don't stew on the thought or the emotion.

Just the other day I finally wrote down why I feel like I am hurting. It took about two pages, but by the end of it I wasn't hurting. Then another day I wrote down everything that was just going through my mind for about two hours. About 5 pages later I felt great. I've been sleeping better because of this. Writing things down has always been my way of remembering things, but also letting things go. Interesting how it can work both ways...

I've always enjoyed writing. It was my chief form of therapy when I was dealing with depression in high school. I had some awesome poetry back then. Every now and then I wonder why I don't write more. In writing my thoughts I found the conclusion: I write to get the bad out. When all the negativity builds up inside me it brings me down and I start getting depressed and crazy thoughts start going through my head. But when I'm happy, or at least in a good place, there just isn't anything to write about.

Another interesting observation I have made is that when I get really negative I retreat into my imagination. I live in this imaginary world in my head that perfectly resembles the real world, except I am anything and anywhere I want to be. This is where all my crazy ideas come from. I have come to realize that I probably shouldn't share the ideas that come from my imagination unless I've already started taking steps to act out those ideas. I have found that it frustrates some people when I talk about my lofty ideas and then never do anything about them.

Here's to getting the bad stuff out and having more good days that are nothing to write about.

Movie Time

2011-03-20T13:14:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago I started going to the movies on Sunday afternoons. I go completely by myself and just see whatever has peeked my interest lately. I think I started this because I realized that it never works out for me to go to the movies with friends. One group of friends usually go when I'm busy and the other group just don't really go (too expensive, no time, etc).
I fully admit that there is still a 15 year old girl trapped in my brain somewhere that controls a lot of my entertainment impulses. She still loves Hanson, loved the Twilight books, and practically screamed when she saw the Beastly trailer. I just HAD to go see that movie. So, I took myself to see it on a Sunday afternoon. Loved it, can't wait for it to come out on DVD. I actually enjoyed the experience enough to do it again. The next week I saw Gnomeo and Juliet. I picked this movie for two reasons: Gnomes and James McAvoy. It was cute and its definitely a good kids movie, not very entertaining for the adults.
This week I was having a little trouble deciding what I wanted to go see: Paul, Rango (totally wish George was the name of a movie out now), or Red Riding Hood. All of the above sounded like great choices for completely different reasons. All three were playing at about the same time. Then I happened to look at my De-motivational Calendar and saw that today is Extraterrestrial Abduction Day. Paul it is!

The scene at the theater was great. I'm in this big theater completely by myself until about 5 minutes before the previews start. Then two guys come in. Then another guy. Then another guy. Hmmm, I wonder... Here comes another guy. By the time the movie started it was me and 7 dudes in a big theater and everyone had plenty of personal space. I would like to point out that being the first to arrive I had to take the seat of honor; top center. The guy four seats to my right really wanted my seat; I could see it in his body language when he made his way to the top row. The guy 3 rows in front of me also wanted it, but took the next best seat without sitting right in front of me.
The movie was hilarious! There were a lot of "guy" jokes and I can appreciate them. Thankfully the jokes weren't completely over the top, but Simon Pegg is good about that; he keeps it tasteful. There were several little things in the movie that I noticed I laughed at that no one else did and I can't tell if it's my sense of humor or if the guys just didn't get it. Main example: The cast walks into a bar and the band on stage is playing the Star Wars Cantina Song. That killed me!...and I was the only one laughing.
By the time the movie was over there were only 4 of the 7 guys left. None of them were budging so I decided to lead the late procession. In the process of standing up I tweaked my knee. I had to hobble down a nice little flight of stairs and somehow not look like a complete dork in the process. Then I remembered what movie we all just watched and that these guys are here sans female companions. Suddenly I felt like I could do a diving header down these stairs and not lose one ounce of cool with these complete strangers.

Apparently I felt so good about that I went shoe shopping. Ya see...I have to maintain a delicate balance in my life. Hang with the boys and keep up with the girls.

Coming Home

2011-03-19T22:27:00.000-07:00

The commercials for this TV show make me cry. I told myself I wasn't going to watch it.

I gave in tonight.

Sob-fest for about an hour. The 8 year old birthday boy got me. If I heard that little boy voice say one more time, "Daddy's home!", I was going off the deep end. Being a military brat I kind of understand where those emotions come from. Granted, my Dad wasn't deployed in the midst of a war, but I spent a good chunk of my elementary school years with my Dad constantly on TDY. Any chance I got to see him or spend time with him was awesome. There was at least one occasion where he missed my birthday, but we still got to do the birthday stuff when he got back.

The unsung hero's in military families are the spouses who work to keep everybody together while the service member is away. God bless my mom for having to deal with us kids and all our weirdness, working a full time job she hated, and dealing with a mystery "virus" that the doctors just couldn't name. It's a small wonder the woman has not landed in a mental institution after all that. I know all three of us kids dealt with our Dad's absence in different ways. I'm so thankful that God gave each of us talents that allowed us to get some of those feelings out. Drawing, writing, music, comedy, cooking. There were some dinners that I don't even remember being able to eat because Josh had us laughing so hard. My mom heard just about every excuse from me to try and stay up late. One such excuse actually ended up being a really good learning experience; cake decorating. It may not look totally professional but I can still make it look nice.

So to those military families who work so hard to keep it together, I salute you and I pray for you. Only the strength of God can really keep it all together and make things work out right in the end.

And then it hits me...

2011-03-17T21:41:00.000-07:00

I debated whether or not to leave my "Vent" post up, but I realized it was necessary to what I'm about to post.

Tonight I was heartbroken. For the first time in nearly 3 months I was going to be able to spend some one-on-one time with a friend of mine. We used to hang out nearly every week. Life happened and now we have to fight for any time together. Now, granted, it's not really been my life that has gotten in the way. They have been very busy with many friends and family members and sickness. So, we were finally both free and well so we were going to hang out. I was super excited! Then I found out...nope, slight change of plans. Turns out they were not as free as they originally thought. They weren't canceling on me, but we were going to get one-on-one time. This friend invited me to join her while they were visiting with another friend that needed some company. Every fiber of my being was screaming to say "No, we'll just catch up some other time." It physically hurt to say "Sure, where at?"

So I drove myself to a nearly complete strangers house to watch some TV and chit chat. The entire way there I kept telling myself that I was doing this for them. They hadn't had much time to socialize due to their busy schedule so this was for them, their time, their terms. But my mind wandered to all those times when I would inquire if they were available "No, sick" or "No, out of town". But when I did finally ask them about what had been going on they had seen many of their other friends. They didn't ask to come over, they just showed up. This gets me frustrated because I've always been one of those people that doesn't like just showing up at someone's home without an invite. You can tell me "Come over anytime!" but I will still call or wait for a specific invitation. I wish I were one of those people that could just show up whenever, but I just can't bring myself to do it. And then it hits me...

It's like God was sitting there in the passenger seat and said "I like to be invited too..."

Suddenly that whole "God is a gentleman" saying took on way too real of a meaning. He could totally be that friend that takes you up on the anytime invitation, but he's not. He wants to be invited to join us, to spend time with us. He wants us to make Him a priority, to clear out schedule to make room for Him in our lives. And not just an invite to a party you are inviting your closest 30 friends to; but really the one-on-one time. He wants time to meet with us face to face. He knows what's going on in our lives; just like I have the jist of what's going on in the life of my friend, but I want to know what on their mind, how are they feeling, what makes them happy right now, what are they excited about. I want to know the deeper stuff. You can't have those conversations in big groups.

And then there was the thought; I have been sick recently and the same friend I never get to see was ready and willing to get me anything I needed. Honestly, I didn't need them. I had my usual resources to get what I needed. But where was this willingness when I wasn't in need? I don't need them, but I want to be with them. God doesn't need us, but He wants us. When He needs to get something done, He gets it done. But He can't make us spend time with Him.

Tonight, the phrase "I am a friend of GOD" is taking on whole new meaning. How much better could our relationship with Him be if we treated Him like we treat our friends (or how we want to be treated by our friends)?

Vent

2011-03-17T17:06:00.000-07:00

When people make plans with you and then have "last minute" things that come up...it says a lot about where you fit in their life. I will clear my schedule to spend time with certain people. I will call them at 11 at night if they need me. But the one time in months we get to actually spend face time together and you suddenly have to go over to this person's house and you have to do this or that "but you can totally come along!"

I am apparently chopped liver and this person does not actually want to spend any alone time with me. Geez, this is getting old. But, me being me, I'll suck it up and pretend like this is "GREAT!" and then when I get home I'll lock myself up in my room and let it all out.

Thank you to those who do not make me feel like crap.

We Fall

2011-03-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

Today has been a great day. This morning's service was truly inspiring and uplifting. We are currently on the second week of a new series called "Jesus Is" which leads up to Easter. Today the message was titled "Jesus is the Teacher". I'm going to attempt to share here what I learned (or re-learned).

When Jesus walked with the disciples he was training them and getting them ready for Life. Life was fixing to come at the hard, fast and ugly and they needed all the tools they could get to make it through and still accomplish the mission.

(Proverbs 14:12) - "There is a way which seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death."
In other word, if you try to do it on your own without a teacher you will come to ruin. When we don't know what to do we try to fix it ourselves. When that doesn't work we look to others. When that doesn't work we give up and learn to live with it. When we get tired of that...we turn to God.

Jesus came to teach us how to live life in the right order. Turn to God first and save a lot of time, energy and heartbreak.

Jesus came to show us how to overcome temptation. He overcame temptation with the Word.

Jesus came to show us how to face impossible situations. Faith to walk on water.

Jesus came to show us how to submit to God's plan. Obedience even to the point of death.

Jesus came to show us how to show unconditional love. Jesus loved us so much that he was willing to take our sin so we could truly be forgiven.

When we fall, Jesus gave us to the things we needed to get back back. Word, Faith, Obey, Love = WFOL (We Fall)

Creature of Habit or Control Freak?

2011-02-23T20:57:00.000-08:00

This will probably be a short post today. I've only got a few things on my mind, but they are bugging me.

I have always thought of myself as a creature of habit. I like my routines. I get up at the same time every morning. I go to bed at the same time every night. I eat the same kind of thing everyday. I drive the same routes to get where I want or need to go. It's what I do! A prime example: I used to go to Subway near my parents house all the time and order the same thing every time. I haven't been to that location in years and yet one of the girls who used to work there saw me in WalMart back in December and said, "I know you! Subway Club right?" Yep...that is definitely me. But what if my routines are just the surface of a much deeper issue. Am I a control freak?

Lately I have not been on my routine. I can't find a routine to save my life right now. I end up eating whenever I finally remember that I should. I got to sleep whenever I finally feel too tired to function or I have reasoned with myself that tomorrow will be ugly if I don't get a few hours of sleep. I don't work out. I'm feeling kind of lost right now. The only thing that is staying consistent is showing up to work everyday.

On the work front, I am beginning to realize that I can't keep on the happy face. My happy face broke. I am pretty consistent in being annoyed and upset. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice job and I am grateful for it, but I am beginning to wonder if it's really the job I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't think my giftings are in customer service. I don't like dealing with "John Q. Public" on a regular basis. I like having steady work that is only slightly varied from day to day only by volume.

I believe that it is unhealthy to be good at multitasking. My brain is finally feeling the strain of constantly being ready to drop what I'm doing to start doing something else that is possibly more important (or at least more urgent).

I think the summary of this is simple: My give a d@*% is busted. I am trying to put it back together but there are pieces missing. Today I told a couple co-workers "I either need to get a different job, or I need to get some Counseling - with or without meds."

Blinded By The Light

2011-02-12T07:40:00.000-08:00

Right now I am sitting in my study. One of the things I love about this room is the awesome sunlight that comes pouring into the window every morning. It makes for some great warm feelings when you come in here to balance the checkbook, read a book, or write a blog. The only thing that takes away from that warm feeling is the the Christmas Tree in the corner, but generally I pretend like that thing isn't even there.

There is a downside to the wonderful sunlight...like right now at 9am when the sun is streaming in and it creates this awful glare on my computer screen. My remedy - sunglasses. Yes I am typing this while wearing some awesome/cheap amber sunglasses. Do what you can...

Over the past couple days I have been doing some catch-up reading (i was about 5 days behind, don't judge me) in the devotional book My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I <3 this book. I always come away with some little nugget of wisdom that makes my life better and makes we want to be better. In the past two days of reading there was a common thread that is really sticking with me right now. Blindness and Starvation.

I will let Oswald tell you in his own words. Yes, I'm going to just write the two devotionals out here and you can read them at your leisure. The stuff in bold are the things I underlined in my book. The things bold and underlined are the ones I underlined twice and highlighted.

#1 "Lift up your eyes on high, and see who has created these things..."(Isaiah 40:26).

The people of God in Isaiah's time had starved their imagination by looking on the face of idols. But Isaiah made them look up at the heavens; that is, he made them begin to use their imagination correctly. If we are children of God, we have a tremendous treasure in nature and will realize that it is holy and sacred. We will see God reaching out to us in every wind that blows, every sunrise and sunset, every cloud in the sky, every flower that blooms, and every leaf that fades, if we will only begin to use our starved imagination to visualize it.

The real test of spiritual focus is being able to bring your thoughts and imagination under control. Is your mind focused on the face of an idol? Is the idol yourself? Is it your work? Is it your idea of what a servant should be, or maybe your experience of salvation and sanctification? If so, then your ability to see God is blinded, You will be powerless when faced with difficulties and will be forced to endure in darkness. If your power to see has been blinded, don't look back on your own experiences, but look to God. It is God you need. Go beyond yourself and away from the faces of your idols and away from everything else that has been blinding your thinking, your imagination. Wake up and accept the ridicule that Isaiah gave to his people, and deliberately turn your thoughts and your eyes to God.

One of the reasons for our sense of futility in prayer is that we have lost our power to visualize. We can no longer even imagine putting ourselves deliberately before God. It is actually more important to be broken bread and poured-out wine in the area of intercession than in our personal contact with others. The power of imagination is what God gives a saint so that he can go beyond himself and be firmly placed into relationships he never before experienced.

#2 "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You" (Isaiah 26:3).

Is your mind stayed on God or is it starved? Starvation of the mind, caused by neglect, is one of the chief sources of exhaustion and weakness in a servant's life. If you have never used your mind to place yourself before God, begin to do it now. There is no reason to wait for God to come to you. You must turn your thoughts and your eyes away from the face of idols and look to Him and be saved (see Isaiah 45:22).

Your creative mind is the greatest gift God has given you and it ought to be devoted entirely to Him. You should seek to be "bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ..." (2 Corinthians 10:5). This will be one of the greatest assets of your faith when a time of trial comes, because then your faith and the Spirit of God will work together. When you have thoughts and ideas that are worthy of credit to God, learn to compare and associate them with all that happens in nature - the rising and the setting of the sun, the shining of the moon and the stars, and the changing of the seasons. You will begin to see that your thoughts are from God as well, and your mind will no longer be at the mercy of your impulsive thinking, but will always be used in service to God.

"We have sinned with our fathers...[and]...did not remember..." (Psalm 106:6-7). Then prod your memory and wake up immediately. Don't say to yourself, "But God is not talking to me right now." He ought to be. Remember whose you are and whom you serve. Encourage yourself to remember, and your affection for God will increase tenfold. Your mind will no longer be starved, but will be quick and enthusiastic, and your hope will be inexpressibly bright.

A Resolution

2011-01-03T14:33:00.000-08:00

I resolve this year to quite thinking of God as a big jerk.

I have read on Stuff Christians Like that Jon Acuff is starting to see the light on this one two. He references the "zero to hut" mentality that many Christians have. We think that if we surrender our lives to Christ and give him free reign, that we will be doing missions in Africa before you can say "hug a neck and shake a hand". But is God really like that?

A fine example: I have made the statement several times recently that the man I will marry needs to be tall. I'm talking 6'3" or taller. That is honestly what I desire. Do you know what some people have said in response to this? "God's gonna give you a short guy!" What?! Why do people say this? Are they trying to be funny? Cause it's not funny to me. You are speaking against the very desire I have in my heart. They are making God sound like a jerk. "Oh, you want to live near the beach? Ha! To Alaska with you!" Why would God purposefully give you something that is not the desire of your heart? That goes against His Word.

Psalm 10: 17 - You, LORD, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,
Psalm 20:4 - May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.
Psalm 21:2 - You have granted him his heart’s desire and have not withheld the request of his lips.
Psalm 37:4 - Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I am totally leaving open the possibility that God may change your desires a bit as you get closer to Him. But your desires are still your desires. So, next time someone opens up and reveals one of their heart's desires...I'm going to speak an "amen" over it. I'm going to believe with them and pray for them that that desire will be met. If the desire is not a sound Spiritual or Biblical one then I will leave it to got to change their heart, but I will not speak against their desires.

2nd Chances

2011-01-01T08:18:00.000-08:00

Today is New Year's Day. It's a day to kick off this new year with new goals and a new attitude. Everyone makes a resolution to do something new, something better. This is usually because we all see something in our lives that needs to change and what better way then starting with January 1st?

One of my "resolutions" was to get back into structured daily Bible reading. That may sound legalistic and whatnot, but I'm one of those people that really needs structure. I need a guide, a plan, a schedule. If I'm left to my own devises I may get the book of Psalms read before the end of 2012. So today I began!

The Bible is an amazing piece of work. It's supernatural in the way it works. I'm not even talking about the logistics of it. That amazing in and of itself. I'm talking about how you can read the entire thing, every year, and get something new out of it every time. This time I was reading through Matthew 1: 1-17. That would be the genealogy of Jesus. I have been in several Bible studies that point out the women in Jesus' heritage. But I had a thought today that was new to me.

All four women mentioned did not have that kid with the original man they married. First you have Tamar. She is listed in the genealogy as the mother of Perez by Judah. That was after a bit of trickery. Prior to that she was the wife to two of Judah's sons. It's a colorful story to be sure. Next you have Rahab. In the genealogy she is listed as the mother of Boaz by Salmon. That was her life after the walls of Jericho came down. Prior to that she was better known as Rahab the prostitute. Granted, she wasn't married, but she wasn't exactly a "maiden". Right after that you have Ruth. Ruth is listed as the mother of Obed by Boaz. That was after she traveled with her mother-in-law to Bethlehem. Before that she was married to one of Naomi's sons who later died. And then we have Bathsheba. She is listed as the mother of Solomon by David. That was after she had an affair with David and David had her husband killed. It was a low point in the story of David...so we will just leave it at that.

These women came from some bad places. They did some things they probably were not proud of. They had some tough emotional issues to get through. But God brought them into a new life and blessed them to be part of the big picture. Through their second chances Jesus came into our world.

Oh no, they're doing math again!

2010-12-28T17:14:00.000-08:00

Every now and then I get the privilege of covering two desks at work. Well, really...I kind of have to because I'm the only other person who has access to all the stuff that the other Unit Leader does and remotely knows what to do with it once I get it. I am by no means an expert at her desk. I usually end up setting pieces of work aside until later in the day when I can just stare at it for a few minutes until is speaks to me. That is actually pretty telling of the mental breakdown that occurs when this joyous occasion comes to pass. I start talking to paper and computer screens and I actually expect a response. What can I say...I don't do well under this kind of pressure. But that doesn't stop me from getting the work done!

One of the things that I like about this occasion is working the Money Bag. This is a "bag" of payments that are delivered to our department every morning. Now, these are not all the payments that customers mail in. No, most of those get processed without a problem in a completely different department. The payments that come in this bag are the ones that the other department a) does not have the authority to decide what to do with, b) doesn't know what the heck to do with, c) can't do a dang thing about. I usually sort them accordingly. I set aside one special stack. This stack has all the "notes". I call this the "reading material" stack. These are payment stubs or envelopes that contain hand written notes from the customers. Sometimes they are requesting changes to their policies. Sometimes they are making complaints. Sometimes they are asking questions. And sometimes...they are showing the amount they feel they should pay...because apparently that works with all their other bills? When I see these there is almost always some numbers scribbled on Declarations and Payment Stubs with plus and minus signs. When I see these I here a subconscious voice say, every time, "Oh God! Their doing math again."
I'm generally not apposed to people doing math. I think a lot of the phone calls we get could be solved is some people did the adding and subtracting before they used the Phone-A-Friend option. I get concerned though when our customer's do math because usually it's the kind that doesn't make any sense. Now, in their defense, our new system is a bit more complicated than they are used to. However, when you are doing math using your own policy information you should probably use amounts that are actually in your policy somewhere. And even more preferable would be making your math equal the same amount we told you is due.
We sent you a bill for $157.26 (just and example). Your math shows that you are paying $50 now and $75 next week or in two weeks (it was hard to tell with your shaky hand writing). Um...you're still short $32.26. Kinda need that part too...

just sayin...

So...in two weeks...when you forget to make that payment of $75 and we cancel you...please don't bother calling. Just own it!

Gripe number 2...and this goes for this entire week along with the week after Thanksgiving: We don't want to hear how you came down to the local office on Thanksgiving Day and/or Christmas Day to make your payment. Really?! And what were you expecting to find once you got there? Yes, we were closed on your due date...or the day before you policy cancelled...or whatever. Here's the thing: On every single invoice we send you there is a note that says that you can pay 24/7 online or by phone. We even have this awesome 1-800 (actually 1-866) number that you can call. There is a live human being on the other end of that line just waiting to hear from you. They can help you come up with some solution the the issue of getting that payment made. It's what they do!
But first, let's have a little clarification on what a due date is. A due date is the date by which we need to receive your payment. This is not the date one which you should decide to mail off your payment. If you do this and call three days later wanting to know why you got that late fee...well gee...maybe it's because your payment is LATE! Late, meaning not on time. On time would be on or before your due date. I say after your due date all bets are off when it comes to an exception.

Gripe 3: If you want an exception made for you, please remember a few things.
1. This is a business. We generally need to make money. If we give everyone an exception then we don't make money. $3 here and $5 there actually adds up to a LOT. Oh and that money...we were using it to keep other costs down. But whatever. You don't care about that. It doesn't seem to affect you on the surface. Please go out and read Common Sense Economics.
2. Please come to the table with a valid argument. We actually do understand that people lose jobs. We understand death, illness, and deployments. Contrary to popular opinion we are not a mindless machine. Everyone in that big building and even in all the little buildings are dealing with the exact same stuff. We want to work with you! I actually enjoy a good crazy story from time to time. But give us something to work with! As soon as you know you need us to work with you, call us, don't wait until after your due date or after you are canceled.
3. Please be aware of your status/history with us. You've been with us for 3o years and you pay on time? Sweet! What can we do for you? You've been with us 3 months and have yet to make a good payment or a payment on time? Um...please see #2 and make it really really good. I'm not saying we won't work with you, I'm saying you aren't really giving us anything to work with. We ultimately want everyone to be happy, but sometimes that's just not possible.
4. Do not yell, scream, or cuss. This is the behavior of a 3 year old. Actually I know 3 year olds that behave better than that. You are a grown up. Speak to others like a grown up. Be civil. You can be direct, blunt, sarcastic...but don't get ugly. Yes, we will hang up on you. Remember, we are human beings too. We have feelings. We are not your personal Port-o-Potty. No one deserves to be talked to like that. We will gladly take your number and give it to someone who gets paid more than we do so they can put up with your abuse.
5. This is just an opinion, but: Due date changes are ridiculous. If you only get paid once a month it's even more ridiculous. It's the same amount due no matter what date it's due on. It does not change what it pays for. Every time I see these requests i just want to reply: Please send all requests to Dave Ramsey. I understand if you want to get your invoice earlier so you know what to budget for...but even that is a bit unnecessary. I think your local agent or CSR would love to help you out. They can tell you how much is due and when. If there are any changes they can update you on that too! If it means they get your payment and it's good and it's on time...I think they might just do anything for you.

*sigh* ok...I feel better now. Don't know if anyone I work with is going to read this. If you do...please leave a comment with any questions, complaints, praise, or what have you.

If you read this, clap once

2010-12-26T18:15:00.001-08:00

Tis the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature is stirring, not even me.

I have taken the opportunity today to enjoy a day in the quiet house. I didn't even change out of my pj's. All of the Christmas decorations are still up. Boxes still need to be broken down. Furniture still needs to be moved around. But, today I focused on putting a few other things in order.

Today I journaled for a bit. Journaling actually led me to the next step which was to fill in the important dates on my new wall calendar for 2011. I also took the time to work out my budget for 2011. You may think that is a bit much, but I think Dave Ramsey would say it is a smart idea. I think this is the 3rd year that I've done one. This time I didn't wait until New Year's Day to do it. My idea, my goal, is to re-evaluate the budget every month or at the very least every 3 months. This year I will pay off my furniture leaving my only debt to be the Mortgage on this place. This year I will keep $1000 in an emergency fund. This year I will actually work on the outside of my house. And by this year I am referring to 2011.

Something I noticed today is my increasing use of "to-do" lists. I'm actually starting to like them. There is that little sense of accomplishment when you cross another item off of the list. I always heard people say that before and I always thought those people were some level of crazy/weird. Over the course of the coming week I am going to start writing up my To-Do lists. I need several. There needs to be a list for the long term stuff as well as for the here and now stuff. I don't know how far I will go on these lists...perhaps I will make daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly lists. Is that a bit too anal?

But something else I'm setting my mind to doing is taking care of myself. For the last 6 months I have really just given up on myself. I haven't even tried to eat healthy or exercise. I know that I need to. I know how I need to go about doing that. I couldn't tell you why I haven't. I think on some level I had given up on a lot of things so I didn't really think taking care of myself would change any of it. But now, thanks to a few talks with one of my awesome friends and an awesome brother, I can see a point in putting some effort into my life. Drink water, not sodas. Cut back on the sweets. Eat whole grains, fruits, and vegetables. Drink milk, eat yogurt. And just to be on the safe side, take a good multi-vitamin. Then get off your butt and move around everyday. Heck, just even a few times a week. It's not about weight or body image, although that does become a nice advantage. It's all about taking care of what you've got so that it lasts longer, you enjoy it more, and it becomes YOU.
It's like taking care of a house. It's still a house even though you don't mow the yard or sweep the walkways. It's still a house if you don't vacuum or dust. It's still a house if the heat doesn't work. It's still a house if there are stains on the sofa. But is that a house you want to live in? Is that a house you want people to see? Is that a house you can put on the market? It's just a house. Until that house becomes "home" to you, you aren't going to value it much. It's just four walls and a roof...and possibly an overgrown yard. A home is something more than that. It's where you live. It's where you invite people in. It's possibly where you are going to stay for many many years. You want it to be comfortable and you want it to be a positive reflection on yourself.

So, I'm going to do a better job of taking care of myself and home. I want people to see how much I actually care about myself and where I live (in a non-conceited way). I want to be an example for others to follow. No one wants to follow someone who is sitting still.

Still Learning

2010-12-20T18:05:00.000-08:00

Last post I made I talked a lil' bit about learning from a long conversation with my brother. I've tried to start putting some of his words of wisdom into practice. To paraphrase - "It's not about me, it's about you." Or more bluntly "shut-up and listen." Everyone loves to talk about themselves. Nothing really wrong with that. It's the subject we know best. We know more about how we feel, what we think, and what we like, than we do about any other subject. There is a time and a place for sharing all of this! But more often then not, we need to stop talking about ourselves and start listening to others. Give them the space to talk about themselves. It's called getting to know people.
I am incredibly guilty of pushing through a "conversation" to talk about myself. I think my thoughts need to be expressed verbally and your issues can wait until I'm done expressing myself. It's taking some practice to just not talk about myself to other people. An idea my bro had was to write that junk out here and in my journals (yes, with an "s", meaning multiple). There are times and places to vent. There are certain people you can vent to. My own wisdom tells me to keep the venting to someone older than you. You "troubles" are lost on people who have not gone down that road yet.

And to add to that, there has been a sermon series at my church over the past 3 weeks. "Silent Night" is the name of it. It's all about Peace. Last week, and the final week of the series, was on the Prince of Peace. In Isaiah 9:6 Jesus is called the Prince of Peace. The Hebrew for that is Sar Shalom.
Sar = The one in charge, Lord, chief, general.
Shalom = rest, tranquility, wholeness, completeness, contentment.
Jesus is the one in charge of Peace. That is why in John 14:27 he can say "My peace I give to you." True Peace can only be found in Him because Jesus is Peace. It's like I heard somewhere else, "God is love. It's who He is, not what He does." Same with Jesus. Jesus is Peace. It's who He is, not just He does.
In the sermon series they defined Peace like this. Peace is not the absence of something, but the presence of Jesus. In our day to day lives we will often cry out "I just want a little peace!" Normally we are saying that we want to be free from whatever is bothering or worrying us. If we put Jesus in those situations we would have Peace even with the bothersome stuff.

Chris did a great example. Jesus is like a sturdy shed. If we bring our life under it completely then when the storm comes we won't be touched by it. Peace is knowing that Jesus has you and He will never let go. And that Peace, it's contagious. When you are at Peace you won't need to vent to other people. You will find yourself more at ease to listen to others and maybe even share your Peace. I strive to live in Peace so that others can share in my Peace.

Two and a half hours

2010-12-18T17:42:00.000-08:00

That is how long I spent on the phone talking to my brother. He still amazes me with the advise he gives. I should probably cease to be shocked after these past few years. But, still glad he calls from time to time and inadvertently teaches me something new.

Right now I am at a "nothing" spot. I'm not totally certain what I need to be doing. I'm sure I should be doing something. But taking it easy right now feels almost right. I just feel really lazy. So my mind is now in gear to actually think about my life. What am I doing everyday? How am I living my life? What kind of person does everyone else get to come into contact with on a regular basis? What am I doing with my body? Or, more appropriately, what am I not doing with my body?

I see a lot of journaling in my near future. Maybe if I figure some stuff out and I can start to help other people out with their stuff again.

Frankly my darling, I don't give a damn

2010-11-21T17:13:00.000-08:00

About a week ago I was perusing the movies at Best Buy when I came upon Gone With The Wind. I had the money and I was in the mood so I went ahead and got it. Today I finally sat down and watched it. This movie is somewhere around 4 hours long so it is an event. Thankfully it has a built in Intermission. Literally. The screen displays "Intermission" while music plays in the background. Just long enough to get up, stretch, take a bathroom break, and re-fill your drink.

I've made mention of this movie to a friend of mine from childhood. He doesn't like it. He finds it depressing. Scarlett ends up just as bad off as she was when the movie starts. After watching it today I have to disagree with that statement. She actually ends up stronger and comes to her senses in the end. The depressing part is it all seems too late and you don't get to see a happy ending. It's an open ending. I like to think that she does get her happy ending with Rhett. He was the only man who could handle her and she was the only women for him.

But I realized something about this movie and my childhood friend. You see, we met when we were very little while our families were stationed in Germany. I wouldn't say we were the best of friends back then, but we were friends and we played nice enough with each other. Since then we lost contact. Last fall he found me on Facebook and we've been chatty for about a year now. One thing I've noticed is his incredible memory of Germany. He knows names of places. He remembers where they are. I think he checks the news for information on those places. His heart is tied to Germany. It reminds him of a time gone by that was simpler, more innocent, happy. I think this is funny because we are military brats...living on military installations in a post WWII country. Hitler was not far removed from people's memories. But Germany is a big part of who he is.
I can't say the same for myself. Now, granted I have my memories and most of them lean towards the good, but it's not my heart. In the German language I can count to 10, say hello and goodbye, please and thank you, door, what time is it, i love you, and i am a little girl. I think only a few of those phrases I actually learned in Germany. The rest I picked up from personal study or from my 4th grade (?) teacher Ms. Shoemaker who thought we could use a little culture in Ohio. And that is where my heart is ~ Ohio. If I had to pick a place to say I am from, that would be it. It's the first place I made a best friend. It was where I feel I did the majority of my growing up. It may not have been the happiest of times, but it the time that has shaped me the most. I actually had family there! Aunts, uncles, cousins, a grandmother...still do. I wish I went up to visit more than I do.
The thing that brings me back when I can't get back physically, is watching old movies. My best friends mother loved old black and white movies. I would watch them everytime I came over (which was a LOT). My favorite actor is still Danny Kaye. I can't count how many times I watched Gone With The Wind. On one of my visits back up there GWTW had been re-released in theaters. I actually went and saw it with my best friend's parents. It was amazing! Second to the movies would be the classic cars. If you love cars, go to Ohio. Their car shows rock! Which, I might add, there was one going on in the back parking lot of the theater where we watched Gone With The Wind.

So, sue me. One day I want to meet a guy who sees me as I am, loves me for it and is willing to put up with all my crap just to be with me. I'll try to do a better job than Scarlett at keeping him around. My friend, you can have Germany, I will take Ohio.

Random Saturday!

2010-11-20T13:50:00.000-08:00

I think I'm just going to start posting all my random bits on Saturdays. It's seems appropriate especially since that is how my Saturdays go now.

1. Today I went to the baby shower for my favorite youth pastor and his wife. Dale and Lori Lawrence are expecting their first child in January. They still haven't picked a first same. The due date is actually my dad's birthday. So, my suggestion was Randy or Richard. I'm thinking Richard Franklin would sound alright. Very old school. They were throwing around the name Evan as well. I thought about the initials. EFL...which makes me think of ELF...with makes me think of Buddy...which makes me think of Dale.

2. I'm coming to terms with the fact that my "teens" are becoming grown-ups and dealing with grown-up situations. It's still crazy to me that they are legitimately talking about marriage. They have found "the one" and I'm still over here going...but you're too young. Now I know why grown-ups keep saying that. It's not like they think the young people aren't ready ~ though that is part of it ~ but it's also because they still think of them as kids...teens...children. Lord, help me the day my nephew, niece, or god-daughter starts dating. As it is my nephew is nearly a full fledged teenager.

3. My current issue...Not feeling worthy. This is not in the good way, like "I'm not worthy of the grace God has shown me." It's the not worthy in the sense that I'm good enough in God's eyes, but nobody else would want this mess. Did I just get really personal there? I think so. Yep, I've got some jacked up thinking. When you read it you can see how backwards and messed up that is. I can't even put into words...But that doesn't stop me from thinking it. Still trying to sort all this out.

4. I want to write a Christopher Moore-esque book about church people. All the different types, how they interact. I don't know what I would call it yet. I think I could draw the characters that come to mind. I hope that my Tour of Churches gives me more inspiration.

5. I do nothing on Saturdays now. It's a challenge. You have a busy week and you purposely don't do anything for a whole day. Right now I am looking at a house that needs to be cleaned and a yard that needs to be tamed...but it will have to wait. I've got time to be busy 6 days a week. Oh, I also have a room to transform, a bathroom to decorate...See, take a day off and see what kind of things your mind can find for you to do. It's crazy!

2010-11-01T18:32:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day.

Last night I came to the realization that I can't live life on my own. I mean, I've given it an honest effort. Things haven't been too bad. But at a certain point you start looking around and realize that all these people might just be able to lend a hand if you ask. That's my problem...I don't like asking for help. I hate it. It makes me feel like a failure or something. It makes you vulnerable. That is really messed up thinking, but I'm guessing that I'm not the only one who thinks that way. I want to be asked if I need some help. It's taken me nearly 28 years, but I'm finally ok with answering "Yes" every now and then.

So, I asked a few friends for some help. It wasn't anything financial or physical. I just asked for them to pray for me while I'm going through some transitions in life. They have gladly complied. I believe they will actually do this for me and as a result today felt like a much better day. The weight was a lot easier to bear with other people also praying for the situation. It's really brightened my outlook on the whole situation.

I started a Bible study today: Authentic Christianity. Mark #1 of an Authentic Christian: Unquenchable Optimism. It's being "confident that the same Lord who permitted the pain to come will use it to bring about a highly desirable end." The example they use is of Paul and Silas who began to sing praise while they were in prison. They didn't have anyone to impress with this act. They didn't know what was going to happen as a result. They just had the Spirit in them that told them that this was for God's glory and so they praised. Their praise led to their freedom.

So today, I praise You Lord for my friends. I praise You for those You have brought into my life. I praise You for my family, for my job, and for my co-workers. I know that no matter what happens You are ultimately in control. Your hand is on my life and You will continue to see me through. Whatever the world throws at me I know I can stand in the strength that only You can give.
"We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead." 2 Corinthians 1:8-9

I must be tired...

2010-10-23T19:27:00.001-07:00

A few years back a friend of mine got an idea from another friend - photo journal. Everyday, or pretty close to it, take a picture of yourself.

The idea is that you will see the same face everyone else gets to see. You also can tell by looking at your own face what your mood is, your overall level of health, and I think the flash just amplifies all of that.

I decided I would give it a shot (pun not intended). I won't post the pictures I have taken here just because they make me a little depressed. After only one picture I could see...I'm really tired. My face just looks tired. I can also tell that I haven't been drinking enough water. Nor have I been eating very healthy. I already knew this...but it's kind of different when it's staring back at you.

Hmm...perhaps I shall drink a glass of water and get to sleep early tonight.

Anybody else going to dare to take a picture of themselves? What do you really think you look like?

Musing after Midnight

2010-10-21T22:07:00.000-07:00

I think I've hit a wall. Or maybe it's the starting line.

Back around the beginning of this year I told a friend of mine "I kind of have this feeling like I'm not going to live through this year." Even saying that is a bit creepy...but I knew what I meant. I just felt like there was this great nothingness after this year. It was like I was going to end...here. But I don't think I'm physically going to die.

I can honestly look back a month...two months...and say, "I'm not who I was." Be is good, bad, or ugly, I'm just not that anymore. I don't feel like the same person. Has anybody else noticed the difference?

Right now I'm taking a hard look at my life. What exactly am I doing with it? What sets me on fire and keeps me going every day? Where would I like to be in two years? What do I hear God telling me to do right now? Should I strive to be the better person that I was? Or do I just move on to this person that I could be...whoever she is?

All I know right now is that things are changing and I need to find my place in the change.

Goodnight.

Anti-cake...but bring on the chocolate chip cookies!

2010-10-11T16:49:00.001-07:00

I have a birthday coming up. No, I'm not trying to remind you. I'm actually trying to remind myself.

Remember back when you were younger and Birthday's were like another Christmas? You worked on your Birthday list almost as long as you worked on your Christmas list. But, oh joy! you don't have to wait your turn to open your presents. Nope. They are all yours. The whole day is yours! You are King/Queen for the day. You pick the restaurant. You get to eat as much cake and ice cream as you can stand. I mean this is the good life for one solid day. All just for coming into the world and surviving another year.

Being a female I'm not supposed to enjoy growing older. Kinda weird if you ask me. I'm looking forward to some future milestones. 30 is only a couple years away. I always said it was the perfect age. You are officially old enough to be among the grown-ups but you are not too old to hang with the younger crowd. I have it in mind that I kind of need to be set - in shape, out of debt, house decorated - by the time I'm 30. Noble goal.
I'm not sure how I feel about 40 or 50. I am looking forward to 60 and up. I think it would be funny to be in my 60's and still hanging out and working with teenagers. I honestly think I can pull it off. I'm awesome like that :)

But this year...I'm turning 28. I can't explain it but for some reason it bothers me. Back around the beginning of the year I remember eating lunch with my parents and some friends. I was carrying on a conversation with the friends while my mom was on the phone. I heard her say "Yeah, Abi's turning 28 this year!" I literally shuddered and and muttered some kind discontent. This morning I was at work and noticed that today is the 11th. It hit me "My birthday is in 11 days" - I again shuddered and muttered. Something about this 28 is not sitting well with me. Hmmm...perhaps it's because of that goal for 30.

I was informed by one of my lovely friends/not-a-teen-anymores that Oct 22 is The Great Disappointment. Reassuring, no?! Apparently some guy back in the 1800's thought Jesus was coming back on Oct 22nd and he got bunch of people to follow him. Turns out Jesus didn't come back. Instead there were a bunch of people on the side of a mountain waiting all day for nothing. I think I stand a pretty good shot of having a better day than that.

So, I shall have a lovely feast of Blueberry Pancakes...I shall sleep in (if my body lets me)...I shall enjoy the company of my friends and loved ones...I shall be grateful for my Ebenezer.

Don't Make Me Block Comments!!

2010-09-26T13:43:00.000-07:00

This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I'm not a Bama fan.

I'm not a huge football fan in general. I declared out of necessity. But it was those hardcore Alabama fans that helped me decide that I didn't want to be one.

I can't tell you exactly when it happened, but several years ago I got really tired of them. These people are crazy! You bring up anything football related and they start shouting "Roll Tide!" On any given Saturday during college football season you can scroll through Facebook comments and see variations of it all day long. Something about those Bama fans just irks me.
I once started talking to this guy who I thought was really good looking (tall, nice eyes, great arms). Over the course of one conversation I found out he was not a Christian and that he is a Bama fan. I had a hard time trying to decide which of those was his biggest flaw. Jesus could win his heart, but you can't change an Alabama fan.

One morning this past week I was driving to work and letting my mind wander to anywhere and everywhere. I got on this subject. Why don't I like the Alabama football team? Well, it's not that I don't like the team. I think they are just fine. They seem to be doing very well for themselves over the past few years. Nope, it's the fans that I don't like. I don't want to be associated with them. But I am associated with them. Some of them are my best friends, family members, co-workers, etc. None of these people are exactly bad or annoying people. Well, until they start talking about football.

It was then that another thought occurred to me. Perhaps the same reason I am not a Bama fan is the same reason some people aren't Christians. I mean, after all, Jesus by Himself is pretty awesome. The whole dying for your sins so you can have eternal life thing is great. The Holy Spirit is a nice bonus too: the perpetual presence of God, the comforter, the counselor. So why not accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior? "Have you seen his fans? Those people are nuts!"
They usually aren't referring to everyday Joe Jesus-Lover. They are referring to one person or one time when someone who claimed to be a Christian hurt them or made them mad. It could even be what they've heard about Christians from movies, TV, news, etc. I think the best description of some of these portrayals are: Snide, judgmental, and pushy. Someones perception of all Christians - and now Christ - is forever linked to those few who turned them off or turned them away.

1 John 4:7&8 Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.

Take the time to read all of 1 John 4. I once heard it put "God is love. Love is not what He does, it's who He is." The only thing God doesn't love is Sin because it's what keeps us away from Him. God loves all of us. From the President of the United States down to the homeless man living in the Hobo-Jungle. He loves the single mother, the prostitute, and the housewife. He loves the politician, the drug dealer, and the drug addict. He loves the single person, the married person, and the divorced person. Not all of these people may know God, but He loves them. He wants them to know Him. He wants them to have knowledge of His love. As people who live in His love it is our mission to show that love to our "neighbor", those people who are within our realm of influence. Love is supposed to be our trademark just like those crazy Bama fans shouting "Roll Tide!"

John 13:34&35 So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other, just as I have love you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.

As we show love to those around us we may still not win them over. To some that love will speak Life. To others that love will speak death. To some people those Bama fans shouting "Roll Tide!" will be an encouragement to cheer along with them. To others it will incite a small riot. We may still be known as "crazy" but we will be know as followers of Christ for the right reasons. People will know us for our love of each other and our love for others just like Bama fans are known for their love of their team.

It's been awhile

2010-08-08T13:19:00.000-07:00

So it's been a few months since I've written anything here. I'll do a little catch-up post here and go into detail in the coming weeks.

This year my word was "Guts". Basically the suck-it-up-and-do-it-anyway kind. I decided at the beginning of the year that the one thing I needed more than anything else was courage. I have ideas, I have vision, I have heart...but I lack the courage to get out there and do it all. Trust me, God was in on this. He started things off with a bang.

1. Started off the year with buying a house. A friggin' house!! Those of you who have seen said house have all agreed - it is sooo my house. From the blue and white exterior to the built in bookshelves. My furnishings are incomplete, but it is home. I have space to think in that place. I even have a "nothing" room. I firmly believe everybody needs a nothing room.

2. I have actually spoken to a neighbor. I know...HUGE! Ha! That has been an interesting experience. I look forward to meeting more of my neighbors.

3. I am playing on the Harvest Temple Women's Softball Team. We actually have our tournament next weekend. Now, I've never been one for organized sports, but I actually getting out there and running around. It's actually kind of fun cheering each other on and making fools of ourselves. Everybody out there has some natural skills, though still a bit rough. Perhaps we will get into league this coming season so we can work those rough spots out.

4. And now I am doing the next scary thing...College and Career Ministry! Whoooo! (that was for you Nikki) So now I am going to be facilitating a group of youngish minds as they start their adult lives. We shall discuss faith and taxes. We shall share meals and stories. We shall play frisbee :)

So far this is my year in a nutshell. God is really working swiftly and I'm ready for the ride!

Still Amazed

2010-07-03T10:12:00.000-07:00

I'm still amazed at how quickly things change.

One day things can seem promising and everything seems right with the world.
The next day you find yourself sitting there, holding your head in your hands, and asking yourself why you even bother waking up each morning.

Life is hard. I don't like it when people try to sell life with Jesus as "easier", worry-free, or perfect. Just because you are now a Christian does not mean that life ceases to be complicated. The advantage with Jesus is that you have constant help, support, and even answers to the most difficult situations. You aren't trying to work through all the mess this world hands you on your own.

Lately, I've been very thankful for this. He has kept me in check. He has heard my questions. He has given me comfort and the answers I need. I think it's funny when people expect the answers to be long and complicated like the Levitical Law. The answer to everything...no matter the situation...is Love. How complicated is that? It's not! But it's not easy.

This is not the Hippie, hugging a tree, give everybody a flower kind of love. This is the Love-Your-Neighbor-As-Yourself kind of love.
-Everybody you come into contact with is your neighbor.
-Forgive them.
-Don't bring it up again.
-Let it go and move on.
-Don't hold it against them.

Most of the time I'm good with forgiving somebody. I usually move on pretty quick. But then...there are those times when the crime seems pretty heinous. It almost seems justified to hate them. Alas, that Love! Love cannot hate. Love cannot hold on to hurt or regret. Love does not keep bringing up the past. Love treats everyone with respect and kindness.
_________________________________________________________________
The above was written on 7/3/10. What's even more amazing it how much this speaks to where I am today on 10/10/10. So much has changed since the above was written that I don't even remember what had changed so much back then.

Right now I am acutely aware that I have a physical enemy. But even more aware that The Enemy is coming against me, trying to distract me. I hear lies and I fight to listen to the truth. I want to lay down and give up but I fight to take another step. I want to hold on to some shred of anger and seek revenge, but I let it go without so much as a second glance. I'm going to keep going another round until it's a TKO. I have faith that says I am stronger by the Spirit that lives within me than anything the Devil can throw at me. It doesn't always feel like it. But faith is more than feelings.

Do Not Awaken

2010-05-25T19:43:00.000-07:00

Song of Songs 3:1-5 "One night as I lay in bed, I yearned for my lover. I yearned for him, but he did not come. So I said to myself, 'I will get up and roam the city, searching in all its streets and squares. I will search for the one I love.' So I searched everywhere but did not find him. The watchmen stopped me as they made their rounds, and I asked, 'Have you seen the one I love?' Then scarcely had I left them when I found my love! I caught and held him tightly, then I brought him to my mother's house, into my mother's bed, where I had been conceived. Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and wild deer, not to awaken love until the time is right (until it is ready)."

I have to admit that the last line has been nearly a mantra for me at times. I'm one of those people that let the excitement of possibilities take the reigns of my imagination. It's not limited to the realm of romance. I have been a daydreamer most of my life. What would it be like if... The prevailing thought of a daydreamer. Sometimes those daydreams seem entirely possibly, then it gets exciting. Now I can make a plan! Anyone in my family or my close circle of friends could probably rattle off a good list of things I have "planned" but have yet to accomplish. To be honest I'm stuck inside the daydream. I have still not found that great passion. Maybe it's knowing that I can do anything if I just stick with it, or thinking that I'll never be great at anything. The war between I'm Awesome and I suck.
There is a song that I've grown fond of over the years. It's by Passion One Day.

Give me one pure and holy passion.
Give me one magnificent obsession.
Give me one glorious ambition for my life.
To know and follow hard after You.
To know and follow hard after You.
To grow as Your disciple in Your Truth.
This world is empty pale and poor,
compared to knowing You my Lord.
Lead me on and I will run after You.
Lead me on and I will run after You.

I sincerely believe that God goes to some extreme measures to get us alone and quiet so we can hear Him. He wants to give us something to be passionate about, HIM. When we are passionate about, well FOR Him, He teaches us and speaks to us and leads us into all that He has for us. When I'm not in love with Him then the world around me seems a vacant place.

When you truly are in love and when you truly have a passion for something it will keep you awake in the night. You can't sleep without a touch of it. Whether the desire is for your spouse, the children of Kenya, or Jesus. And when that touch can't be found you will do everything in your power to get it. You will chase down the night trying to find it. And once you find it you hold it tight and cherish it. The time spent in the seclusion, the dryness, the silence, makes it all worth it once you have found your passion.

Everybody wants to be the Prodigal...

2010-04-26T19:54:00.000-07:00

Luke 15:11-32
v31 "And he said to him, 'Son, you have always been with me, and all that is mine is yours. v32 But we had to celebrate and rejoice, for this brother of yours was dead and has begun to live, and was lost and has been found.'"
Luke 17:3-4, 7-10
v9 "He does not thank the slave because he did the things which were commanded, does he? v10 So you too, when you do all the things which are commanded you, say, 'We are unworthy slaves; we have done only that which we ought to have done.'"

It's not always easy being the brother of the prodigal son. You knew your brother was making an unwise decision by getting his inheritance early. You knew he was squandering it away with every whim. You probably thought about how selfish it was to take the inheritance that still belonged to your father. Maybe it put your father in a tight spot for a bit. But you also had to see the look on your father's face everyday. He looked out the window. He would wait a long while after sundown before going inside for the night. There was always hope in his eyes. And everyday that your brother didn't come home the hope died a little more. But there was nothing you could do. You did your job. Day in and day out you did what you were supposed to be doing. All the while you watched as your father waited and waited, some resentment already building.

Then one day you come in from your days work. You are greeted with the sound of laughter and music. The house has come alive with revelry. What is going on?! Then you hear "He's come home! He's back!" Suddenly all the resentment, all the hurt comes up and shows its ugly self. Your father comes to you and begs you to join the celebration but you hold your pity party instead. You never got a celebration like this.

This is the difference between doing what you know you ought to do and doing all things for the glory of the Father. So often people want to be the prodigal, but nobody wants to be the brother. We want to be celebrated for every come back. We don't want to simply live daily with the Father. But why not?
The father in the story told his son "all that is mine is yours." If the son wanted to throw a party, he could. If he wanted to take his half of the inheritance as well, he could. But the father was not going to throw a party everyday for the son that did right all the time. If he did then the celebrations would cease to mean anything.
Instead, as the brother of the prodigal, we should be keeping our eyes on the horizon for our brother. Our love for him should be so strong that once we hear that he has returned we will run to greet him as our father has done.

A constant reminder: It's not about me. It's about Him and doing what He loves.

The Cancer of Addiction

2010-04-02T04:48:00.000-07:00

I used to have a boyfriend that had one prevailing fear: His younger sister's cancer may come back. She had leukemia as a child, but she was living a fairly normal life in her twenties. At the time I thought it was a weird thing to be afraid of. She was fine and had been for a long time. The cancer was gone. How likely could it be for it to come back?

Then cancer touched my own family. My dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. Now, I know that the actual cancer patient has to go through the brunt of the ordeal, but the immediate family goes through quite a bit themselves. Suddenly that ex-boyfriends irrational fear was very real fear in me.

Recently amongst my friends and kids we have talked about addiction. Most everybody has or has had an addiction of some kind. Addiction: A physical or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, such as a drug or alcohol. In physical addiction, the body adapts to the substance being used and gradually requires increased amounts to reproduce the effects originally produced by smaller doses.~Science Dictionary. I have dealt with some minor addictions of my own. I have other addictions still to deal with. One addiction in particular has come to light. It has also come to light that I am not alone in this addiction. It affects the masses, often in ways they don't even realize. But I will shy away from the specifics for now. That is not the focus here.

Something I have realized about addiction is that it's like a cancer. Now when I say "cancer" I mean the aggressive internal stuff. And by and addiction I don't mean "chocoholic" in the sense that most people use it. An addiction left untreated just grows. As the Science Dictionary stated, it requires increased amounts to achieve the original results. Just one is no longer enough. Then two isn't enough. Then three. Then what you originally started with isn't enough so you add something else to the mix. Then you increase that. Then that's not enough and you add something else. Then you increase that. This can go on until you ultimately die. Neither cancer nor addiction go away if you ignore them.

Let's say you get treatment. There are a couple of options in the cancer world for treatment besides "letting it take it's course". Option 1: surgery. For addiction this would be the cold-turkey method. Just throw it out and refuse to acknowledge its existence. There is some withdrawal time involved in this and I hear it is rather rough, but worth it. Option 2: chemo/radiation. For addiction this would be counseling and some sort of 12 step program (I recommend Celebrate Recovery). This one takes a bit longer and possibly several rounds in order to get rid of the addiction. In either case you can't get rid of it on your own.

Ok, so now your cancer/addiction is in "remission". It's gone! Yay! So now you go on about your life and never have to worry about it again...right?! Nope! If you've had cancer once you will have a life long relationship with an oncologist. As time goes on without a re-occurrence your visits get fewer and further between, but you still have to go get those tests run from time to time. Something I didn't know until after my dad's cancer went into remission and reappeared was that he was now MORE susceptible to get cancer again. Same is true with depression, if you are clinically depressed once then you are more susceptible to be depressed again. If you were addicted once, you are more susceptible to be addicted again. Just like the cancer is does not mean you WILL, but that there is an increased probability that you MAY.

I can't speak for my dad. I don't know what goes through his mind every time he goes for his checkups. But I think somewhere in the back of his mind he has to be bracing himself for the slight chance that the doctor will find something. Believing for the best, bracing for the worst. Every checkup is like a reminder that this cancer happened. Former addicts don't usually go in for checkups, though it's not a bad idea. Instead, addicts are generally just faced with situations that remind them of their former addiction. A recovering alcoholic may find themselves face to face with a bottle of Vodka. A recovering cutter may find themselves holding a sharp knife. Psychology may say that they did not find themselves in that spot by chance, but really you don't purposefully go to those things. It's not a matter of it, but when. So you are staring your addiction in the face...Now what?

The story here depends all on what you have been doing since you were "free" of your addiction, since you were declared in "remission" of your cancer. Have you been taking care of yourself? Eating healthy? Exercising? For the addict: Have you been working on the issues that caused you to become an addict in the first place? If you answered yes then you may be able to walk away from the situation. It won't be easy, but you will come out ok. If you answered no then you, my friend, are likely to be facing a relapse.

But that is not the end. You get up and do it all again. Cancer is a shadow that will follow you all the days of your life. So is addiction. You can either live in fear of the shadows or you can keep moving forward and getting back up.

Is that a silver lining I see?

2010-03-23T19:48:00.000-07:00

To make up for the downer posts lately here is some sunshine.

I'm not going to go into detail yet. I'm going to wait for that story once the ink dries on the paper.

Today God showed out. Well, He shows out a lot...but today was a good one. I will put this day in the top three of awesome things God has done in my life. Number one will continue to be the day we found out my dad's cancer just "vanished". People saw me dancing in the parking lot that day. Today a few people saw me just about crying as I paced the hallways. (I try my best to never cry before or during work. People ask too many questions.)

God said He would take care of me. He said that He was with me and that He had me. The things that I have been posting about lately probably don't reflect that promise. All I can say for myself is that I'm still fighting. I haven't given up on God. In fact I've been turning to Him more often. It's just a different posture. I'm coming to Him broken and on my hands and knees...sometimes with no energy even to pray...no words...in great need. This humble thing is hard to get used to.

Never confuse humility with timidity.

Oddly enough when I'm down low like this it's a lot easier to come to God with my requests. I'm not afraid of Him...I'm in need of Him. His is my Father...not my accuser. Yes, my heart is broken...but He is teaching me how only He can make me whole. He is my fullness. But He had to show me this before I could see it. <- Yes I realize that was not very profound.

So, God very much assured me today of several things:
1. It's not about what I have done.
2. Jesus is enough
3. I have no reason to worry, He's got me
4. God is friggin' crazy with grace and mercy
5. He can do more than you can even imagine...if you only let Him
6. He knows more about what I need then I do
7. I will never cease to be amazed by my Father

Random thoughts

2010-03-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

1. You mean I actually have to fight back? - For some reason this did not occur to me before. One of my friends put it best, "The one place you are supposed to be is the one place you are having to fight the hardest to stay." This is so stinkin true! I know exactly where I'm supposed to be. I'm there. Now what I'm supposed to be doing...that's a bit fuzzy. I think the fight is what makes it fuzzy. It like I have to win this fight in order for the fuzz to go away. I know who I'm fighting. I know what weapons I am supposed to use. I am still learning how to use them though.

2. Can I? No. Dang it! - I know I'm not the only one who feels this way sometimes. It's like everyone else can get away with having a bad day except you. It's not allowed. Nope. You have to be on...all the time. I think mom's know this best. They don't get sick days. They can't just drop everything to just deal for a minute. Ministers have this a lot as well. Everyone expects so much from them. They can't let their guard down for two seconds or someone will see it. What then? So, someone sees that this person in charge is actually a human being. Go figure! I think anyone in leadership get this way. Sometimes you are fighting battles on too many fronts and just need one place to go and let go for a minute.

3. Oh suck it up already! - Pretty much since my last post I have noticed that I've been incredibly weepy. It's not just overly emotion sappy junk. It's quite literally a heaviness that comes over me. It's all I can do to not break down sobbing in the middle of the day at work. I can't even put my finger on what the feeling is that comes over me. It's just like a big blanket of sorrow, shame, desperation, thirst, and exhaustion. It sneaks up on me too. I could be in a really good mood and everything is just fine. Next thing I know...I'm sinking. All I can do during these times is just try and get somewhere alone and get close to God. "You've got to help me out here." I asked for opened eyes. I asked for better understanding. I asked for a lot of things. I just don't remember asking to feel this. Oh wait, "Break my heart for what breaks yours." Still having trouble figuring out what exactly is breaking it.

4. I'm ok. - I'm not great. But I'm dealing. I'm focusing in the right direction. I'm trying to learn what I need to learn so this time can pass into something a bit...better? I'm ready for some change. Just don't really know what change I'm in the process of changing.

This has been a downer post. It will get better soon.

Overcome

2010-03-13T05:20:00.000-08:00

I didn't know what to title this post. The terms I wanted to use didn't seem to fit just right. The word that works is Humbled, but it just didn't seem right either. I looked at the word Humble in the Thesaurus and the word that jumped out at me was Overcome - to be overwhelmed; visibly moved. That is exactly how I feel today.

Last night I was Overcome, I was Humbled. But to understand how that happened we have to go back a little.

Not too long ago I came back to my home church, Harvest Temple CoG. Things had changed a good bit since the last time I was there. But there were some people that had been there before I left. Most of those people are now in leadership. I didn't think this would ever be an issue for me.

Note: I now know that I am very effective at lying to myself.

I got back involved not long after that. Starting in January God told me I had been lying to myself long enough. It's not healthy. It was hindering me from being able to love others they way they should be loved..."Love your neighbor as yourself". The beginning was forgiving a friend a debt that he did not need to carry. I was still holding a grudge even though I had told him and myself that I had let it go. There is amazing freedom in forgiving others.

I felt a calling to work in discipleship, training and teaching others. As quickly as things had been moving I felt that this one thing I would start preparing for now, but would not start until the fall. But then the opportunity arose much sooner, but I would not be leading. Transparent moment: that offended me.
I decided to offer my services to help the person who would be leading. I went ahead and presented my ideas, my plans. I came to the table totally assured that my way would be the way we would go. The first words out of his mouth when he read my list, "How do you feel about adding some and taking off some?" Then, "Lets try to only make this like 8 or 9 weeks instead of 12 or 13." Transparent moment: This bugged the CRAP out of me. It totally deflated me, knocked the wind out of my sails.

At work I had always been the go-to girl. If you had a question, I had an answer and usually within 3 seconds. If you needed me to do something, I would do it. I noticed that I didn't get asked as much anymore. I noticed that people were getting sent to someone else to get things handled. I became offended again. I also became paranoid. What had I done that made people not want to use me anymore?

In my family we have one major fault: we lack humility. We are awesome and we know it. We are all talented in many areas. We are great at getting answers and finding solutions. We are puzzle solvers and artists (kind of one in the same really). We are most often found in leadership positions. I don't think it's just because of the height. I believe that I have bought into this way too well and with the wrong attitude.
Yes, I am talented. Yes, I am able to find solutions and get the job done. I like to be used. I feel rather worthless and lost if I don't have something to be in charge of. But somehow I had got it in my head that I somehow deserved to be in charge, that my way was always right. I was certain that I would be used how I wanted to be used. I want to teach, I love teaching, so surely I would be allowed to teach...somewhere...anywhere?

Not too long ago, in fact probably a week ago, I was offered something to be "in charge" of. I am in charge of the "crap they don't want to do" (aka Ministry Coordinator/Secretary). Well, it wasn't teaching, so I kind of put on a "Great! Love to!" attitude and went with it (refer to Note above). I had no reason to turn it down. It's what they need, not what I want.

Then Thursday night I was talking to my friend in the church parking lot (best place for a spiritual conversation). We talked about our recent experiences in ministry and how we both had been moved out of the things that we loved to do, but know that it has a purpose behind it. I stated that night that I know God is humbling me. The honesty of that statement didn't slap me in the face until Friday night.

Friday night I stood at the altar and sang a song "overcome". This song plays in my head often. We will overcome, By the blood of the lamb, and the word of our testimony, Everyone, Overcome. Then we went sang "rescue" I called, You answered, And You came to my rescue, And I want to be where you are. It was during this song that I knelt down and broke my heart open before God. All of my sins, dreams, and thoughts just came pouring out.

I confess: I have been too easily distracted. I am selfish. I am prideful. I am a liar - even if just to myself.

The reason I have had such trouble submitting to authority is because I still think I'm better then they are. The reason I can't seem to tap into that prophetic gift is because I want to use it to be cool. (I realize that last statement makes me officially a pentecostal dork). The reason I am not teaching all the time is because I want to be upfront, in charge, the know-it-all.

No more.

If someone is going to be a leader they have to be a servant. Jesus did not come into this world and lead people by going "Hey look at me! I'm awesome!" He served. He actually told people not to tell others what he had done at the time. He washed his disciples feet. He taught them to build them up so that they could carry on after Him. He taught them the service of praying. Jesus is still doing that! Jesus is still serving right now. He is our intercessor perpetually before God. I need to be more like Jesus. I need to put others needs before my own wants. I must be a servant. Not a doormat, but the best helper anyone has ever had.

I called out to God, He answered, and He rescued me out of my pit of selfishness and pride. Now I just want to be in His presence always. I want to please my King and His will. Lord have your way in my life. Guide my steps. Give me servant hands.

Last night I poured myself out on that alter. I did not want to leave unchanged. I believe that I am changed. If I ever see that I am going back to my old ways I'll just come back here and read this again and remember...I am not the same. I have been overcome. I have been humbled. I have been put low so that I can serve others.

Nothin...

2010-03-01T20:26:00.001-08:00

I don't really have anything specific to write about, but I felt like writing. It's amazing how I fight sleep these days. It's like I will do everything in my power to stay up until midnight or later. But I regret it nearly every morning. So, that being said, I have started writing at 10:30pm. Let's see how this goes.

I will say that house shopping is at the forefront of my mind most days most of the time. In my mind I am walking through houses, arranging furniture in houses, and most importantly, smelling houses. You would be surprised how strong your sense of smell plays a role in picking a house. Women know this probably better then men, but you can tell that there certain smells that will go away once air starts moving and a layer of febreez is laid down. And you can tell that there are certain smells that will probably only go away once you tear down a wall and remove a dead animal or 12. I find myself constantly having to refocus on what I am looking for and why. I have a purpose in this craziness of house shopping. I need space. I don't fully know what for just yet, but I know that I'm going to need it.

We have begun our study of the Spiritual Disciplines with our 180 Discipleship crew. The first weeks challenge is to journal everyday. I find it amazing that I can write all day long until I have to. Suddenly the ink well runs dry and I can't find a spare moment to jot down a few words. Amazing! But I take solace in the fact that this, this blogging stuff, is a form of journaling. It's just a bit more readily available for reading by the general public than your typical journal. I always wanted to write about my life from birth to current. Unfortunately I am 27 years behind and getting more behind with each passing day. I could hit the high points, but I know I would miss things. Sufficient for today are it's own troubles. No need to keep trying to remember every detail of the past. No need for obsessing over every detail of the future. The lamp will only give light to what is directly infront of it.

I have some of the most awesome friends. I say that often. I think I may be offending several of my family members by constantly repeating it. I love my family and they are wonderful. I just have more friends then family members. I also have several groups of friends. There are the childhood/long distance friends. There are the Harvest friends. There are the 30 and up single friends. There are the teenage friends. There are the co-worker friends. And then I have a handful of friends that I just know and I can't really put them into any one of the above categories. But I will say that of each group I have about one really awesome friend that I trust almost fully. It may sound weird and wrong, but I'm trying the art of not telling my friends and family every detail of everything. It is a hard process for me. I like to talk. But I find its much nicer to just have things in your heart that are just between you and God. Share only when you have the freedom to share. Otherwise, they don't need to know yet and telling them might hinder the thing that God is trying to accomplish at that time.

My toes miss the sand. My lungs miss the salty air. My ears miss the sound of the waves. My brain misses the space to sort through all these thoughts and questions. Soon enough...soon enough.

Hope For Me Yet

2010-02-14T18:01:00.000-08:00

Matthew 26:50 And Jesus said to him, "Friend, do what you have come for."

A friend of God. We've heard about it. We sing about it. We know we can be his friend. Jesus told us how. John 15:14 "You are My friends if you do what I command you." I think it's interesting that we often omit Judas from the picture when Jesus is saying this stuff. In all actuality Judas was there all the time. Foot washing? Judas' dirty feet were getting scrubbed too. Lord's Supper? Judas partook of the Body and Blood. Every commandment, every word Jesus spoke you can bet Judas was there and he heard it. Jesus picked Judas just like he picked Peter, James and John. Judas saw all the miracles. Jesus did all of this knowing that Judas would make the decision to betray Him. Do you think it broke His heart to know that His friend would one day betray Him? I think so. I know I would be leery of letting that friend in too close if I knew they would hurt me. But Jesus did. He brought him into the crew, opened up the wisdom and knowledge of the Kingdom of Heaven to him, all the while know that it would end ugly.
Jesus called him "friend" even as he was betraying Him. "I know what you are doing. I know why you are doing it. I still love you." That's a hard pill for many of us to swallow. For me...that gives me hope. If Jesus can love Judas even as he is betraying Him, then there is hope for me yet.
Jesus can still love me even when I continually screw up. He knows that I am not yet perfect. He knew I was going to mess up before I even know how to mess up. He still died for me. He still loves me.
John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.

Suffering Long Much?

2010-02-09T16:19:00.000-08:00

I think Long Suffering is the phrase ever used in place of Patience. Ok, so anytime someone brings up patience it usually means that they are going into a negative Nancy mode and you have heard it all before. Well...yeah. I think that's because none of us really learns how to be perfectly patient with just one go-round. It takes several trips around the same mountain to develop a spirit of patience. I will say that I'm a lot more patient than I used to be. Back in the day I may have even gotten mad at a microwave because 2 minutes seemed to be taking too long. But I do have an appreciation for the wonderfulness that comes from a pot roast that has been cooking all day long in mom's old slow cooker.
I don't think anyone likes waiting. The trip to anywhere for a kid takes forever because of the anticipation of where you are going. Hence the "Are we there yet?" that comes from the backseat every 10-15-30 minutes. Recently a few of my friends had ordered cameras online. Both have had the same comments about waiting for that package to arrive. It's almost like it could only be a quick enough delivery if they submitted the order and could reach into the computer and pull the camera out right then. (Please someone work on developing this!) I've got some stuff in the pipeline for myself. But like waiting for anything else to arrive I really can't do much about making it get here quicker. I can either sit here and just watch the minutes pass or I can go on about my business. If I'm lucky I may even forget that I have somethings coming so that I will be pleasantly surprised when they get here. Well neither of these are really items that will "show up" but they are things that can be attained.
And what of the waiting? Even if I am active does that make the wait really any better? For some who are actually able to work away the hours and actually forget the forthcoming "things" they can keep the surprise. The rest of us are more like expectant mothers. We know it's coming. We know about how long it's supposed to be until it gets here. We have near constant reminders that it's on it's way. We sometimes go out of our way to make sure we remind ourselves of it coming arrival. We can be active...but it just seems like it takes forever.

It's not working!!

2010-01-22T06:09:00.001-08:00

I was reading in Exodus. The beginning of it actually. You know, the part where you really start getting annoyed with Moses because he keeps making excuses. I like re-reading these stories because there are always little snippets that you never caught the first go round. One of those times I found that God tried to kill Moses, until his wife circumcised their son. This time I found Moses looking a little too much like me.

Exodus 5:22-23
22Then Moses returned to the LORD and said, "O Lord, why have You brought harm to this people? Why did You ever send me?
23"Ever since I came to Pharaoh to speak in Your name, he has done harm to this people, and You have not delivered Your people at all."

Moses has heard directly from God to go and lead them out of Egypt. God told him specifically that Pharaoh would not budge on the first try. Essential God told Moses, this isn't going to be a quick thing, but I got it. Well, Moses does his part (with the help of Aaron, bet that's another post on a different subject). Pharaoh responds by making life miserable to the people.

Something to note: Pharaoh did exactly what Satan still does.
9"Let the labor be heavier on the men, and let them work at it so that they will pay no attention to false words."
Basically, keep them busy and make them hate life so much that they don't even bother to find a solution. He actually made the people hate Moses for even recommending that they leave Egypt. Life did not get easier with the promise that God would bring them out of the land of their torment. Life got harder because Pharaoh did not want them to leave.
I believe this is the exact thing Jesus was talking about in the parable of the sower:
20"The one on whom seed was sown on the rocky places, this is the man who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy;
21yet he has no firm root in himself, but is only temporary, and when affliction or persecution arises because of the word, immediately he falls away.
22"And the one on whom seed was sown among the thorns, this is the man who hears the word, and the worry of the world and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful.
Satan does not want us to receive the Word of hope, joy, peace, love, and everlasting life. He will do whatever he can to choke it out of us. This is why it's a bad idea to tell people, "Your life will be great once Jesus is in it!" It's the equivalent of telling an engaged couple that marriage is a piece of cake. Nope, it's hard work. But, if you work together, if you work with Jesus, if you work in the power of the Holy Spirit, it is the best thing that will ever happen in your life.

But I digress...back to Moses and him looking like me. So the people are now hating on Moses because he got their hopes up with a message from the Lord and now their lives are more miserable then they were before. Moses, feeling the heat, goes to God and says "It's not working! Why did I even bother. I told you I was no good at this kind of thing. You should have left me alone and gone with someone else." When I first read Moses whine to God I thought of how much God must have wanted to smack Moses. Then...hmm...I can remember several specific situations even in the past couple of months where I have done the same thing.

I have prayed for things to happen, but it always seems that things get worse. I have felt the calling to do certain things, but it doesn't work right. In all actuality, some of the things I pray for require time. I'm impatient. The things I am called to do I was not given a time table or a calender of events to come. I like to be in control. So when things are happening in the time frame I think they should happen in. When things don't start transpiring the way I had imagined them to transpire...I get frustrated. I take it to God and say "It's not working! I totally suck at this. Why did I even bother. What am I doing here? I'm pretty sure now that I have not heard you correctly." I think that is the moment that God thumps you ear and gives you that look.
"What have I told you?"
"That You would never leave us, nor forsake us."
"And?"
"Fear not, for You are with us always."
"And?"
"We are fearfully and wonderfully made."
"Right. So, I made you. I am always with you. I will never leave you. You know how to listen to me. You do know what I have told you. Now look at what you just wrote about Pharaoh being like Satan. Yep, that's right, I answered your question before you even asked it. I will teach you how to pray. I will guide you and keep you through the persevering times. It's going to work out in MY time, and in My plan. Not yours. Please try and remember that. My ways are better than yours. I love you."

You have now seen what my conversations with God look like. I am thankful that I have a Father who loves me and knows how to work with me. He is changing me day by day. I'm looking forward to the day that I don't mess up and I don't have to be corrected. Until then I'm going to keep on pressing on. It's all going to work out just fine as long as God is in control.

Repost: Of Computer Updates and Virus Scans

2010-01-19T21:13:00.000-08:00

In light of recent annoyances in my life, both on and off the computer. I thought a repost would be in order as a reminder of these great needs in life.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008
We've all had to do them. You know how annoying they can be sometimes. You also know how important they are to be done. Have you ever thought about what would happen if you didn't do that update or run that virus scan?
My best guess, because I don't know of anyone who doesn't do them, is that when you don't do the updates your computer or certain programs will no longer be compatible with various other functions. Try opening a video on MySpace with an old Flash Player and you will be asked to update your flash player. If you don't do a virus scan from time to time you could potentially have nasty little viruses hiding out in your computer that could one day crash your computer.
So what's all this about?
Well, most simply Psalm 139:23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way." Also Psalm 26:2 "Examine me, O Lord, and try me; Test my mind and my heart"
You have to let God look through you and seek out those parts of you that are harmful to yourself or others. You have to turn that critical eye on yourself. As Jeremiah says "The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; Who can understand it?" This is why God has to do the looking. If you let Him he will reveal the things in you that need to be removed. That would be your virus scan.
Now for your updates. Read the Bible. Daily! And once you have read it all the way through...Read It Again! By reading it over and over again even if you don't understand it you are putting those words into your mind. The words are changing you little by little. Every time you read it you will find something new if you are looking for it. Prayer is also a way of getting in your updates. Just like with a computer, if you don't keep up to date you will no longer be compatible with the world around you. You will not have the answers you need when you need them.

To Be Or Not To Be

2010-01-16T11:56:00.000-08:00

I thought it was fitting to post this now. One of my kids has to memorize this notable ramble of Hamlet's for school. The other day it was stuck in my head. As with anything stuck in my head I have to write about it. (welcome to my therapy)

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep-
No more-and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to! 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep-
To sleep-perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life:
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveler returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have,
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and movement,
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.

For starters I must say that I love the To Be or Not To Be soliloquy. Always have. It is the ponderings of a man who has a messed up family and is reflecting on the qualities of death. It is clear by his ramblings that the man most likely did not have a close relationship with God. But I will let you draw your own conclusion on this fictional characters spiritual life. Two things come to mind when I read this. And both of them answer Hamlet's questions and musings.

Philippians 1:21-25
21For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.
22But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose.
23But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better;
24yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake.
25Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy in the faith,
26so that your proud confidence in me may abound in Christ Jesus through my coming to you again.

Basically stating - If I die, that's great for me because I get to go to heaven. If I live, that's still great because then I will be able to minister longer. This was spoken by a man who had a passion for a people to know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior and for them to grow in Christ. He was writing this letter from prison to a church that was dear to his heart. You can only imagine that being stuck in prison you would start to think that death would be a much better option. You would be with Christ, you would be with your Lord, your Love. Yet, you know that it is better to continue on living because God is using even your imprisonment to spread the Gospel and encourage other believers.
And It's true, going to heaven is a lot better than sticking around this world full of troubles. Many times the "world" tends to crowd into our lives and it becomes overwhelming. Depression can even set in. But if you stand firm through the hard times, if you give your cares over to God, if you don't relent to the coming tide of trouble, then God can use your strength to strengthen others. The Bible doesn't speak of life being easier, but better. In Ecclesiastes Solomon said "time and chance happen to them all". Jesus told the parable of the man who built his house on the rock and the man who built his house on the sand, "the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew against" both houses. But if we have Jesus Christ and The Word of God as our firm foundation we will be as "trees firmly planted by streams of water".

And the second thought is this:
Ephesians 6:10-18
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.
11Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.
12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.
13Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.
14Stand firm therefore, HAVING GIRDED YOUR LOINS WITH TRUTH, and HAVING PUT ON THE BREASTPLATE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS,
15and having shod YOUR FEET WITH THE PREPARATION OF THE GOSPEL OF PEACE;
16in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
17And take THE HELMET OF SALVATION, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints,

We are not to sit idly by as our life passes before us. We are not to just accept things as they are and that's how they are going to always be. We are not to be timid and weak and mediocre. We are in battle. The only people lying around in a battle are the ones that are dead or on their way to getting there. It is better to take up your armor and to fight. We are an army and we are in the midst of a warfare that is not visible with human eyes. Put on your armor and fight.

This is as much for me as it is anyone else. I too have been polishing my armor, but it's time to actually put it on and make some advances.

Inward, Upward, Outward

2010-01-14T16:56:00.000-08:00

About a week ago I had this revelatious thought about the progression of faith. It occurred to me after our Friday night girl's small group. I like to process what everyone says during that time to kind of take a spiritual temperature of where the group is at as a whole. We asked the girls a question that is both direct and sometimes hard to answer.

"What is your life purpose (currently)?" We added the currently because if you don't you could have a filibuster going about the meaning of life.
The answers to this question told me that we had everything in the spiritual spectrum there. From brand new christian to your more advanced and they were all under the age of 21. Some of the answers were "To be the best that I can be", "To worship God", "To do what God wants me to do", and the like. Then we had one chick that floored me. I'm sure that she won't mind me referencing her answer here. "To be a journalist for the underground church (Voice of the Martyrs)" This chicks desire is to go on a Bible smuggling trip. Where you that bold when you were that young? I wasn't!

So I got to thinking about their answers. I realized that their about three points in your faith and a few shades in between. First your faith is very inward. It's new. It's focused on you. "Jesus love me!" Your thoughts are often on how great your life is going to be now that you have accepted Jesus. You are new! Now you have to live it. So you start trying to be the best you can be. You try your best to stop doing the outward stuff you know is wrong and start trying to do the stuff you know is right. This is one of the shades between points. This is where you are working in your own power to be who you think you need to be. At some point during this midway point you get the notion that you can't be your best on your own. You need some help. It's at this point that your faith turns upward. "God, I need You. I need Your help. I can't do this myself." (I know you just sang that!) You become reliant on God and you start turning to Him more for help in your life. If you keep turning to Him you will begin to worship Him sincerely, to throw some love back His way. It's during this exchange that you are being changed possibly the most. The closer you get to God the more you have to change. You start thinking God's thoughts, loving what God loves, wanting what God wants. You ask God "What can I do for You?", "How can I serve You?" This is when you hit another point. Your faith turns outward. It's no longer just you and God interacting thanks to the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Now it's God acting through you to reach out to others. It's God's love and the blood of Jesus Christ going out into the world and spreading the good news and sparking a fresh faith in the world where He sends you.

It never ceases to amaze me how God keeps the world turning. The world if full of cycles and our faith is no different. Where one ends another begins. So where are you at in the cycle? Are you just glad to be saved and working at your best to be your best? Are you relying fully on God and growing in His care? Or have you gained enough strength to go forth and bring up more into the faith?

Be Love

2010-01-01T20:13:00.000-08:00

Be Love. What exactly does that mean?

Tonight I talked a little bit about being new. If we are in Christ we are a new creature. One of the passages I used was from Colossians 3.

Do not lie to each other. You have left your old sinful life and the things you did before. You have begun to live the new life, in which you are being made new and are becoming like the One who made you. This new life brings you the true knowledge of God.

We talked about making resolutions/goals for the coming year. I know I'm a repeat offender because I keep setting the same goal, never achieving it. It was mentioned that possibly the reason that people like me never achieve their goal is because we set the bar too high. We need to make daily goals...everyday...not just new year's day. It's a lot easier to keep a daily goal than it is to just keep one big year-end goal. There are several things that I want to accomplish for myself. It will take daily work to get there. It's all doable though.
I sent up a quick little prayer and asked God what He wanted me to do with this. I just got a simple response of "Be Love". (I won't get into an argument with myself as to whether that was God or my brain talking.) That is when I remembered that scripture in Colossians 3. Starting in verse 12 it's basically "Here's How To Be New".

¹² God has chosen you and made you his holy people. He loves you. So you should always clothe yourselves with mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other, and forgive each other. If someone does wrong to you, forgive that person because the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ Even more than all this, clothe yourself in love. Love is what holds you all together in perfect unity. ¹⁵ Let the peace that Christ gives control your thinking, because you were all called together in one body to have peace. Always be thankful.¹⁶ Let the teaching of Christ live in you richly. Use all wisdom to teach and instruct each other by singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with thankfulness in your hearts to God.¹⁷ Everything you do or say should be done to obey Jesus your Lord. And in all you do, give thanks to God the Father through Jesus.

That is the best goal you could set for a coming year...and thereafter. Be Love. Be merciful, kind, humble, gentle, patient, forgiving, thankful, peaceful. Be unified.

Balance Beam

2009-12-16T05:18:00.000-08:00

This picture? It's of me...at my gymnastics recital back in '87. Where did I excel? The Balance Beam. Have you ever tried to walk straight on a balance beam? Is not as easy as it looks. It's a competitive sport after all. We see those little girls doing flips, spins and jumps...maybe they are making it too difficult. We've all walked a balance beam at one time or another out of sheer boredom. It's called the curb. It did just that the other evening. Perhaps it's a compulsion left over from gymnastics class. It helps me focus.

Here is something I realized:
1. The more you walk that line, the easier it gets
2. If you keep moving you are less likely to loose your balance and fall

Shall we parallel? I think we shall. What other thing is straight...and narrow...and not always easy to walk on? The Christian Walk! (If you guessed right, give yourself a gold star for the day). Just like the balance beam the longer you walk it the easier it is to just walk. But, with time, you have increased challenges. The beam gets higher. You know have a spin here, a jump there, a flip here. You master and you progress.
Also, if you keep moving you are less likely to falter and fall. It's when you stop and over think the next step that you loose your focus, loose your balance, and often fall.

Today, I miss Ohio

2009-11-17T21:22:00.000-08:00

I dodged the maintenance guys in the parking lot at work this morning. They were about the task of clearing the property of all the fallen leaves. I'm thinking our management has a rule that the grounds must be immaculate at all times. They were using the traditional item of a leaf blower, but they were also using what I can only equate to an outdoor vacuum. That's always been one piece of equipment that I thought we could do without.
I parked my car and started the fairly short trek to the building. I took in the dreariness of the morning, the faint humidity in the air. It wasn't hot, but comfortably cool. Jacket optional weather. As I walked I saw the leaves that the maintenance guys had not yet attacked. One big red and gold leaf stuck to the wet pavement. In that one leaf I thought "I miss Ohio".
As I continued walking I thought how odd it was to miss Ohio. It wasn't the best of times. Perhaps it's more accurate to say I miss being a kid in Ohio. That one leaf reminded me of the hundreds of leaves that covered our front yard. Two large tress (oak? maple?) were the culprits. I'm sure we didn't use to enjoy having to rake all those leaves, but it was fun to go running through them.
There is something satisfying about kicking a large pile of leaves. Yes, we even jumped in them and threw handfuls at each other. We just had a good time playing in the front yard. I remember taking walks in the fall, either to school, down the block, or a slightly longer adventure to the store. I remember the feeling of walking on crisp fall leaves. The first thing I did when we moved into our house was collect a bouquet of fall leaves and presented them to my mother. Oddly enough there were rose bushes on the side of the house I could have chosen from.
I always loved how this time of year was always full of anxiousness for the coming winter. As much as we loved playing in the leaves it was just a warm up for playing in the snow. These things I miss today. I just want to go play in a yard full of leaves up to my knees.

The Saturday Morning Before Easter

2009-11-13T20:09:00.001-08:00

I think I have referred to this monumental occasion a few times to a few people. Some people know a few more details than others. Basically, this was a day that changed my heart and mind forever. Whatever you believe about God and what He can and can not do, there is one thing that you have to believe. He speaks to us. He knows our language and He knows how to get our attention.

Let us back track a little and get a few facts on the table. At this point I am 26 years old, single, no prospects on the horizon (or really ever have been), attending a large church but don't really know anybody, and generally just looking for that next step that I'm supposed to take spiritually. There are other wonderful and drama filled adventures going on around this, but they don't warrant mention here. By this time in life I'm looking around and I'm seeing that the majority of my friends are married and have kids. I can feel the gap, it's tangible, it tastes like a mixture of jealousy and pity. With my mouth I would say, "I like my life" and "I believe that God has His timing for everything". But try convincing my heart of that. It felt like every time I uttered that I could feel a quite literal pain in my heart. My heart was filled with worry, pain, and doubt, "What if it never happens?" Also at this point I had hit a dry spell. I mean that quite literally. I hadn't cried in months. There were very valid times when tears were appropriate, but my goodness, I couldn't even get a little misty eyed. I wanted to cry, I really did! But, nothing.

So now here I am on a Saturday morning. The day before Easter 2009. I'm sure I might have had some errands to run. More than likely I just wanted to get out of the house for awhile. As with any random drive I popped in a CD and let the music be my guide. This particular days selection was "Revelation" by Third Day. I really liked the title track and my aim was to listen to that song and let it by my prayer as I drove. Some people use scripture, I use songs. Well that song came and went. I think the CD even started over again. The entire time I'm just driving and my mind is in a thousand other places. Finally I just shut my brain off and concentrated on what i was listening to. The song is "Let Me Love You"...Here are the lyrics.

Ever Since the world around you shattered
you've been looking everywhere for something more
Sometimes you feel like your life doesn't matter
But it does
I tell you it does

Oh yeah

(Chorus)
Come on let me love you now
Come on let me love you and hold you through the storms
I will keep you safe and warm
Come on let me love you now
Come on let me love you and kiss away your tears
I will always be here

Come on let me love you

Yesterday you found your heart was broken
And Tomorrow doesn't leave much room for hope
Today you'll find that my arms are wide open
And my heart, my heart is full of love
(Chorus)

Give up on all the other things
'cuz my love can bring you more
And if you take a chance on me
I'll give you what you're looking for

(Chorus)
Come on let me love you x4

So here I am driving down the road and this one song stuck out to me. I can't explain how I know when God is speaking to me through something. It's just something I feel inside me that just pulls me to a particular thing. I believe that is the Spirit within me trying to get the rest of me to pay attention. What caught me at first was the chorus. I could hear God speaking to my spirit and saying, pleading, asking, "Let me love you."
"But I do love you, God."
"I know you love me, but I need you to let me love you. You see, you have been doing all that you can to prove that you love me. You know that I see it. But that is all works. Right now I need you to let me love you. I need to show you what love is and how it really works. You can either let me in and change you, or you can stay where you are now."
"I don't want to stay here forever."
"Then let go."
"But I feel like if I accept this, You won't give me my hearts desire of getting married and having a family." By now the damn had started cracking. Then the bridge of the song played...
Give up on all the other things
'cuz my love can bring you more
And if you take a chance on me
I'll give you what you're looking for

And now I'm weeping like a baby, driving down Vaughn Road on a Saturday afternoon for all the world to see. But you know what? I couldn't have cared less. In that moment I saw my spiritual heart. It had a good sized whole in it. It wasn't a gaping hole in the middle. It was just a little larger than a silver dollar and it was tucked near the bottom of my heart. Out of sight. But as I saw it, the hole got moved to the center and then...I saw a hand come and just peel off the hole. Think Coyote/Road Runner and the "tunnel" on the side of a mountain. It was gone. I knew that hole was the one that hurt every time I used to talk about marriage. I knew that hole was the void I left in my heart because I was reserving it for that one thing and that one thing only...and it wasn't God.

It is an amazing thing that happened after that. I really was ok with the possibility of never getting married. I mean that very genuinely. My heart doesn't hurt about it. I now know a much more intimate relationship with My God. Everyday, every week, every month I learn more about Him and His love for me and for all of us. He has carried me through some hard times and had guided me through some very exciting times. I know that He is actively working in my life during this period of my life. I can be of so much more use to Him in certain areas as a single woman than I could be if I were married. My heart is for the youth of our world. The 12-21 crowd. There is no doubt in my mind that therein lies my ministry. They are my "kids". I care about them. I love them. My heart breaks for them. And for whatever reason there is a group of them that actually think I'm cool. (what's that about?!)

There is little doubt in my mind that one day I will get married. There remains the question of when and to whom. To be honest, I don't know and that's probably for the best. I'm not working towards that goal. I'm working towards the goal of helping teenagers get to know Jesus and learn how to live for Him. Beyond that...it's all in God's hands. He is in charge of my story. Let's watch together to see what great joy or calamity comes this way next.

Message to the Exiles

2009-11-08T13:26:00.000-08:00

Jeremiah 29: 4-7, 10-14
"Thus says the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon, 'Build houses and live in them; and plant gardens and eat their produce. Take wives and become the fathers of sons and daughters, and take wives for your sons and give your daughters to husbands, that they may bear sons and daughters; and multiply there and do not decrease. Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf; for in its welfare you will have welfare.'
"For thus says the LORD, 'When seventy years have been completed for Babylon, I will visit you and fulfill My good word to you, to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the LORD, 'and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you,' declares the LORD, 'and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile.'

In the book of Jeremiah God was speaking to the exiles in Babylon, but I believe He is also speaking to us exiles here on Earth. This world is not our home, we are strangers and aliens here. Here we are far from our home of Heaven. It seems everyday that becomes more and more apparent. There is something in all of us that longs to be home with our Father. It's where we know we belong and we know everything will be right when we are there again.
Until then...we are here. We can not live as sort of refugees forever. We need to build our homes and raise our families. We can't stop living just because we are away from our home. We must continue to grow individually and multiply, adding more to our number who will one day be going home with us.
My favorite part of the above passage is in verse 7 where is says "Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile" Don't just live there and grow there, but pray for the places that God has put you. Pray for your neighborhood, your city, your state, your country. "For in it's welfare you will have welfare." We are not talking about the government program, but that things will fare well for the city you live in and so things will fare well for you.
God has not abandoned us here. He has given us a hope and a future. He only asks that we turn to Him, that we seek Him, that we call on Him. He holds our world in His mighty hands. There is not one thing that happens here that escapes His attention. He knows where we are. He knows who we are. He created us. He put us here. We have a purpose. We must live out that purpose while our time here persists.
Then one day, when our time of exile is over, we get to go home.

It has to come out somewhere

2009-10-30T20:43:00.000-07:00

Bear with me... you can actually probably skip this post. I just need to purge this mess so i might be able to rest my weary mind and body tonight.

1. Rape - even the word makes me uncomfortable. I've known people who have been. I've heard about others. The most recent one in the news about the 15yr old upsets me to the core. It actually makes me nauseous. My questions are not "How could God let this happen?" or "Why would anyone do such a thing?" That second question is easier than the first. The Devil is real and he roams the Earth seeking those whom he may devour. He devoured a bunch of guys by that night and used them to try and devour a young girl. The first...I can never know or understand the things that God allows to happen. He does not desire that we be harmed. He loves us more than we could ever possibly fathom, but still bad things happen because the Devil does not love us. He wants to take us as far away from that love as possible so we can be as messed up as he is.
My questions and thoughts come more along the lines of "God, how will this girl ever recover?" "Please don't let this girl loose her faith in you because of this." "What is your plan in this?" "God please help her anyway that you can."
Then I remember that I know of a ministry...several now actually...that exist to keep young women out of sex trafficking and prostitution. Those that don't make it to their safe haven...are raped, beaten, and forced into lives that I can't even begin to describe or understand. God...please protect your daughters around the world from this sin that is committed against them by people who do not value their worth. For those that have already gone through this, please help them to recover and heal their hearts, minds and bodies. Let them know that you value them more than rubies or diamonds. Father you created us from the dust and made us to worship you. We can only find our meaning in you. Please heal this broken world and our broken generation. Turn the hearts of these people back to you.

2. There is a time when we are walking fine. Then there is a stumble. Then an all out free fall. God pick me up before I reach the bottom of this pit again and put me back on sure footing. Sick of stumbling. Sick of being sick. Sick and tired of this mess.

3. Where is this all heading right now? Not the whole world...just with the ins and outs that are going on all around me. It just seems like nothing really makes sense. This one looses a job. This one gets a job. This one looses their health. This one is healed. God please strengthen my faith so that I can stand firmly on the promise that you are totally in control and that you hold our lives in the care and protection of your hand.
But even on the global spectrum...everything seems like so life and death but so not. There is no man to believe in for honesty. Everyone has a "spin" to put on the so called truth. Everyone feeds you their opinion. I just want truth! Why is that so hard to find? Can people please stop feeding me their agenda and please start giving me facts so that I can make an educated decision? I will lean on Your Word and know that it is Truth. There is no lie or deceit in you.

Bitterness, Vengeance and Forgiveness

2009-10-03T06:00:00.000-07:00

Bitterness. The dictionary defines bitter as "having an acid taste; cruel, harsh; resentful." Everybody has been bitter about something for some period of time. When I think about bitterness I think about pain. There was a time when someone (it's almost always someone) made you happy. You loved them. They loved you. Everything seemed alright in the world. Then it happens. 'It' can e anything from a lie to an action. Maybe they insulted you. Maybe they left you in your time of need. Maybe they said something that hurt you without realizing it. Whatever 'it' is, it happens.
It's like you're soaring on the wind then your slammed down to the earth and you are left with a gaping bleeding hole in your heart. Graphic, yes, but nonetheless true. It hurts. It takes a while to heal. Some of us are better versed in the healing process than others Others don't seem to realize that healing is even possible. I think I fall somewhere in between the two. It's a sick place where you heal as you should, but you kind of like the pain so you keep picking at the wound. Bitterness sets in when you don't allow the healing to happen. It's essentially the salt in the wound.
Bitterness tends to lead to vengeance. I like to think that I'm subtle with my vengeance. It's a word here and there that cut just enough for that person to know that they hurt you and that they must pay. All the while other listeners don't know anything is wrong. I like to think that, but I know that I'm not that subtle and the object of my disdain is usually oblivious. Terrible combination. Sometimes our vengeance comes in our actions. We go out of our way to hurt that person that hurt us. You want them to hurt like they hurt you. If nothing else you just want them to acknowledge that they did something wrong and apologize for it. This is assuming they actually did something wrong. What about those times when people do things in the right and hurt us? The Bible says that the wounds of a friend are to be trusted. That doesn't make it hurt any less of course.
Does vengeance ever work? Can we really make someone else feel what we felt? Possibly. Does it help us in anyway? No. When we hand on to that bitterness and even seek revenge all we are doing is keeping that wound open and letting it fester. Ow and Eww. You become a person that nobody really wants to be around. You stink. Probably not physically, but definitely spiritually and emotionally. You can move on with your life and tell yourself that you're over it, but if that wound has not been dealt with it will only get worse. You can cover it up and put on a happy face. One day it will happen again. This time it's two open wounds to deal with.
There is only one thing that can heal the wound. Forgiveness. That is sometimes the hardest thing to do. It doesn't seem fair. They hurt me, why shouldn't I let them hurt? Then God steps in and has to remind us that vengeance is His, not ours. For us to take revenge would be for us to judge somebody else's actions. God tells us not to judge others or we will be judged by the same measure. We don't want others to judge us, but we are quick to judge them. We are told to Love. Love does not keep a record of wrong. Love forgives. Forgiveness is like cleaning that wound and patching it up. There is no guarantee that you will not be hurt again, but Jesus said to keep on forgiving, the 70x7. If you aren't keeping a record of wrong you'll never know when you've reached wrong #491. Forgiveness allows you to move on. It allows everyone to move on really. Forgiveness - "to pardon; to overlook." It's not to say that it never happened, but to say "I'm looking past this. I'm moving forward."

Now a question: If God was the one that hurt you is it still forgiveness that you need to give Him? Yourself? Or is it just a matter of doing what you are told and growing from it and moving on?

Put it together and what do you get?

2009-08-27T12:20:00.000-07:00

1. I am "going granola" one meal at a time. I have my reasons. The main reason is for my own health. Another reason is so I can raid my parents kitchen and find something edible. I also want to see just how much eating homemade, organic, mostly plant-based foods affect me in general (emotionally, physically, mentally).

2. Christian bookstores depress me. At least now and days they do... I just went to one this afternoon to buy a cd. I can only get the cd online or in the store and the store was cheaper. While in there I wandered around the book section and the titles lead me to believe that an average Christian's main area of need to prayer. Second would be finances. Third would be marriage. But I thought prayer was one of the easiest disciplines? It's just talking. We do that all the time! You just have to focus it at God and learn to stop talking and listen. I think most of us need help with the listening part. I know I do. If you pray and you listen and you hear then you probably won't have as much trouble with finances or marriage. Just a thought. But good luck tryin to find anything from the late greats of Christian Spirituality, unless their name is C. S. Lewis. Why is there not a copy of Table Talks to be found? The Christian Classics are reduced to one small section. But even sadder is that you really can't find them anywhere else unless you go looking online. Good luck!

3...is a continuation of 2. I feel sorry for people who have grown up being taught that there is only one Holy Bible and any other is against it. This is true of the Bible itself, but there are such things as other translations. It's the same message just in a language you can understand. I overheard a woman talking to (interrogating) a sales clerk about the different translations. The woman had been raised Catholic (nothing wrong with that). But she was raised that the King James Version was the Word Of God. It is. She then inquired about the New King James Version. The clerk told her that it was just a slightly updated translation of the Bible. "But it's not going against the Word right?" "No ma'am. It's the same thing, it's just in updated language so it's easier to read." The clerk then proceeded to tell the woman that there were at least 12 translations of the Bible that were all still the Word, just in different "language". The woman was adamant that she didn't want anything that went against the Word and she didn't want anything remotely "socialist". Yeah...I checked out at that point. There are a lot more than 12 translations of the Word of God. They all say the same thing and hold the same message. They have been translated into various formats and jargon for the benefit of the reader. If you love Shakespeare and understand it then King James/New King James is for you! If you Jesus to speak to you like you speak to your friends then The Message is for you! There is also the Amplified, New American Standard, New International Version, New Living Translation, English Standard Version...and the list goes on. But they all have the same thing in them.

Looking for Elijah No More

2009-08-12T18:15:00.000-07:00

1 Kings 19:16,19-21
2 Kings 2:1-25

Do you have an "Elijah" in your life?
There are Elijah's in this world to do great things and one of the greatest is to create Elisha's, someone to take their place when they are gone. Our Elijah's are given to us by God. The Elijah in 1Kings was instructed by God to seek out Elisha and anoint him to be a prophet in his place. Like Elisha, we are not in that moment ready to take over the job. We have to watch and study and learn from our Elijah. We have to follow him and serve him, or in our terms, be his full time student. At some point we get very close to this person, like a parent and child or like a close friend. It's not just book knowledge you gain from them, it's wisdom and understanding.

At some point, and it will come to this point, your Elijah must go and you can not follow him. You have to stand on your own two feet and take over. This is where the rubber meets the road. All those things you have learned from your Elijah are now going to be put to the test. You now must act on them and grow beyond them.

My Elijah was Dale. He was possibly the best youth pastor I have ever had. Technically I wasn't supposed to be in the youth at the time...but I was in the right place because there was no other place for me.
Dale was first and foremost my teacher. He taught me how to use the Word correctly. He taught me the importance of the Holy Bible. He taught me the true meaning of worship. He taught me the importance of prayer. Dale would conduct some of the most unusual classroom discussions I have ever been a part of in a church. Never have I had a teacher play the devil's advocate and ask a room full of teenagers "Where was God when my father died?" (Note: Dale's dad is not dead). He asked us questions to get our brains to actually work.
Dale was also my counselor. He helped me through a few rough times in my spiritual life. From family drama to illness to the 9/11 attacks, he was there through it all. When all I felt like was screaming he said "The Bible says 'Be still and know that I AM God'" and as much as I didn't want to hear that, it was truth. You can't deny truth when you hear it. That moment stuck with me through many other times in my life. I would remember that it is written "Be still and know that I AM God."
Dale was also my friend. He's not the kind of guy to pour his junk out to you. His heart, yes. His junk, no. He always said "My junk is between me and God." That was a revelatious statement to me. Everybody does not need to hear about everything that is going on with you. If you are complaining it probably means you haven't given it to God. So why give it to your friends? He was human in front of us. He admitted his faults. He knew he was a work in progress. He knew he was a dork. There is power in knowing you are a dork and owning it. He loved us.

Now, unlike Elijah, Dale has not been caught up in a chariot of fire or gone to walk with the Lord. He is still very much on this earth with the rest of us. I'm just not his student anymore. Several years ago I had to stop being his student and start being a teacher myself. I had to step out on my own and start applying the things he taught me. A large part of who I am today I owe to the influence that man has had on my life. No matter where I go or what I do there will always be a little bit of Dale in it. I'm eternally thankful for Dale and all the time and love he has put into each of our lives. I only hope that I can continue to pass on the things he has taught me to more young people so that they will take my place when I have to go.

Having said that, I know I can't return to be Dale's student. (I tried...it wasn't the same). Like Elisha, I know that going in search of Elijah (or another Elijah) would be futile. Now is the time to step out and rely on God to continue to grow what has been planted.

We're going on a littler trip...

2009-08-01T15:32:00.000-07:00

The other day I changed the background on my computer at work. I chose the above picture. Why? I just thought it was kinda cool. I've got a bit of a reputation for picking interesting desktop pictures. This is a picture of the Sun in case you couldn't tell.
Well as I was sitting there staring at this picture I had one thought come to mind. Wow that's really round. This is not the most profound thought ever. In fact I'm sure this is probably the most simple thought I've had in a very long time. But have you ever thought about that? Why round? Of all the shapes God could have made the planets (and the Sun) He chose round.
We live on a round planet in a solar system of other round planets that move in a round pattern around a round sun. What if instead of round we were some other shape? What about...I don't know...square?
What would be different if the Earth were a cube? Well all of the continents can't be on the same side of the cube. Here's where it gets sad. Oh, you already thought this was sad? Hmm...well it gets sadder. For the life of me I could not remember how many continents there are. Being at work and having limited Internet access my hands were tied for googling. I asked the other unit leader. She was stumped. Our best guess was seven, but we were not certain. I ended up emailing my mom. Yep, it's seven.
Next sad thought...what are the seven continents? It was another email to mom. North America, South America, Asia, Africa, Australia, Antarctica, and Europe. Don't even ask what I thought they were. What makes this so sad in my mind is that I thought this would stump all of my co-workers. Nope! Turns out everyone but me and the other unit leader knew the answer on those.
So...what if our seven continents were on a cube shaped Earth? How would travel be affected? What about gravity? This is when I wish I was a scientist with access to a lab where I could try this stuff out.
All of this led me to this. After all this thinking and questioning I had to sit back and go..."Whoa! My God is Awesome!" That pretty much sums up that day.
Thank you for joining me on this little journey :)

I want to share my feelings with you...(can you hear the guys running away?)

2009-07-07T05:17:00.000-07:00

I read recently in Psalms that God tests our emotions. Did you know that? I didn't. I thought the general idea was that we were to disregard our emotions because they were so unstable, unreliable. Apparently not. God tests those right along with our heart and our "thinking powers". I think that right there is the key to working just about any problem out: Your heart, emotions, and thinking powers.
If that combo is the key then it stands to reason that God would test those. Testing is training. The heart, above all else, has to be trained and reigned in. Out of the heart the mouth speaks. Where your treasure is there your heart will be also. Lots of scripture on 'heart'.
But we mere humans even know that our heart is tied to our emotions. When you are sad your heart is heavy. When your happy your heart is light. I think this is a cause and effect thing. Your emotions are the cause, your heart gets the effect. This stands to reason that your emotions need to be trained and reigned in. Emotions are important. Anyone ever watch Equilibrium? Yeah...no one wants to live in that world. God gave us emotions (some of us more than others). We have feelings! They can be very helpful. Mourning with those who mourn. Laughing with those who laugh. Having joy in the Lord. Receiving gladness for mourning.
And let us not forget our 'thinking powers'. Yeah, God tests those. Some of us forget that God actually wants us to use that gray matter in our skull to work out some situations. He doesn't give us direct answers and clear signs all the time. We are told to think on things that are True, Noble, Righteous, Pure, Lovely, Admirable (did I get the tnrpla right?). We have to train our thoughts to work for us, not against us. Day dreaming can be fun...but productive? Letting your mind wonder is not bad. Having an imagination is not bad. You just can't let it go too far.
And that is where all of this leads. If the key to working out what God has worked into us is our heart, emotions, and thinking powers it stands to reason that they need to be tested and trained. We have to bring them under the power the Holy Spirit and get them in line with God's Heart, Emotions, and Thoughts. Yes he has those too! Where do you think we got them from?! None of the testing is fun. I like learning new things, but the process is killer. But once we learn we move up and move on to better things. Once your heart is in check then so goes your speech. And with your speech in check you can speak life into others...instead of death. Once your emotions are in check you can enjoy a nice balanced life where you don't have to bend to every feeling that comes across you. When you are balanced you can help those around you stay balanced. Once your thinking powers are in check you may not be a genius, but your mind can be more focused. You can think God thoughts and keep others around you focused on the important things.
If you haven't figured it out yet, God doesn't give you stuff just for you.

I'm on a boat!

2009-06-20T18:20:00.001-07:00

Ok, just watched that SNL skit...Hilarious!

Now...on with the post.

Let's take a look at our friend on the biggest boat we know about...Noah and The Ark. Ok, so the Titanic was actually bigger... What I'm looking at is in Genesis 8. God remembered Noah and company on the boat and caused the rain to stop.
Saying that God remembered is not saying that He forgot about them at some point. What He did when He remembered was much like us remembering to pick the kids up from school. You don't forget to pick them up, you just remember that you are supposed to pick them up every day. So, God remembered Noah and company on the boat and that He was only supposed to let the waters prevail for a time.
What Noah does at this point is something I found...interesting. It stuck out to me, but I haven't fully realized the conotations of it yet. Keep in mind they have been on the boat for MONTHS!!! at this point.

1. Noah sends out a raven. The Bible doesn't really say that the raven ever came back. It just says that it went "to and fro" until the waters subsided. So...quoth the raven "nevermore!"
2. Noah sends out a dove. Apparently the doves are more reliable?
3. The dove didn't find anywhere to land so it came on back to the boat and Noah took it back in.
4. Noah waits a week...on the boat...
5. Noah send out a dove again. I'm going to assume it's the same one...but we can't be certain.
6. The dove didn't come back until that evening. It found some fresh sprouting vegitation and brought beck the evidence in the form of an olive branch. How have we taken that symbolizim to mean peace?
7. Noah waits another week...on the boat...
8. Noah sends out a dove again.
9. The dove didn't come back. Perhaps it found the raven?
10. Noah sticks his head out of the boat to see for himself what the world is looking like...still drying.
11. Noah heads back in the boat to wait for a while longer.
12. After a year and 10 days...God calls Noah and company out of the boat. It's dry!

There is something in this...What are your thoughts?

Wordless Wednesday...

2009-06-17T17:52:00.000-07:00

It's 3am and I'm not tired yet

2009-06-13T01:21:00.000-07:00

This week. What a week it has been! Actually the past two weeks have been pretty crazy. I would love to go into the detail of everyday but I'll shy away from the specifics at this time. There has been drama, heartache, sickness, injury, arguments, and all around crummy moods. I'd like to go on record and say that I am not a fan of any of the above, the crummy moods in particular. It seems that it only takes one person in a bad mood to just kill one's day. It's downright amazing how much quicker a crummy mood can spread than a happy one.
But, I"m going to do my best to not dwell on all that junk. I find it hard to get over 'junk' when i keep rehashing it in my mind. It's like I'm turning the situation over in my mind trying to find a new way to get mad about it. That just ain't healthy.
Let's dwell on the positive. Yes, last week started off on a low note. I now know my mind can contemplate murder and a fairly decent cover-up in the span of about 30 minutes. I blame too many days and nights watching CSI, NCIS, Law & Order...you get the picture. The amazing thing was that when i woke up the next morning...I felt great! The sun was shining in my window. I felt like I had gotten the best night of sleep of my life. I felt hope, like everything was going to be alright in the end. I love it when the light switch clicks on like that.
I have had several opportunities to hang out with some of my best friends this past couple of weeks. I know I am truly blessed with possibly the most awesome friends anyone could ask for. They are there for me like I'm there for them. They love me and they pray for me. They have open homes and open arms. I am surrounded by people who love.
That brings me to the sermon Sunday morning. God is Love. The guys speaking said that the way he could identify with God loving so many people was because he himself was a father of about 6 kids. When his first daughter was born he loved her completely. Then their second daughter was born and he worried that he might have to diminish his love for his first daughter in order to love the second. He found that he still loved his first daughter the same as before and that his heart now had the capacity to love his second daughter with the same full love that he had for his first daughter. This happened with every child. He found he was able to love each of them fully, individually, and uniquely. That's how God loves us. Yes we are but dust on this earth, but God created each of us individually. He knows our names and what we have done, are doing, and will do. He loves us fully, completely, individually...anyway. It was best put that Love is who God is, not what he does. It is not conditional, it just is. There is nothing we can do to make Him love us anymore than He already does. And there isn't anything we can do to make Him love us less. Even if we screw up and do the stupidest things, He still loves us. He loves the drunks, the homosexuals, the thieves, the liars, the cheaters. He loves them all because that is what He is. Our choices, our actions, are what keep us from Him. They block us from being able to fully receive His love. If we let Him love us, allow ourselves to receive His love, it will change us forever. God is not far off. He is right here, right now and He loves us.
For this reason I have started to refocus myself on Him...again. It's a constant thing. I am far from perfect. I don't always do, say, or think the right things. It's so much easier to get the crummy attitude. It's very habit forming to get caught up in the drama. It's easy to lose yourself in the stress. I know I do so very often. I have to constantly take steps to make sure I've got my head and my heart in the right place. When I feel like I'm slipping I pull back from the crowd for a bit. I'm finding it much easier to sit in the quiet these days...

Adjusting

2009-05-31T06:05:00.000-07:00

It's almost summer! It was said Saturday morning that it was possibly the last really enjoyable day until October. Such is the norm in Montgomery, Alabama. In May it warms up to become unbearable beginning in June and doesn't cool down again until sometime around the fair in October. Everyone has already started adjusting their wardrobe to suit the temperature change. Flip flops galore! Even my cold-natured self has to put the long sleeves to the back of the closet and bring out the t-shirts and tank tops. But there has been an adjustment there. I've actually made an effort to buy t-shirts and tank tops with color. Even ones with designs on them. I know, they're practically "girly". Yes, finally after twenty some-odd years of dressing myself I have started dressing more appropriately for my age and gender. Always tweaking the wardrobe...

There is also another adjustment period I'm in. I've gotten to the point I'm tired of a lot of my bad habits. Especially procrastination. Notice how often this blog gets updated these days? Yeah, exactly. I am also supposed to be starting school this fall. I have to do a lot before then and I'm kind of running out of time. Three months tends to fly when you work full time and have an active social life (and a habit of procrastinating), I am getting a more structured grip on my finances. I haven't been doing to badly, but I do need to be saving more. Especially with owning a car and going to school. Two things that require a chunk of money from time to time.

I'm adjusting to having an active social life. I have not been home all week! I've been having a blast, but it's really cutting into my reading time... If you know me, you know how this is really bugging me. I'm getting to know new friends and trying to keep up with the old ones. This is both exciting and a little overwhelming. I was never one of those kids that had a group of friends that they hung out with all the time. I usually had a friend and I went to their house all the time. In high school that progressed to 3 friends. It has kind of exploded since then. Some of those friends have gotten married, had kids, fallen off the face of the earth, or I just don't get along with them anymore. Then there is the addition of new friends. I actually meet people for dinner, or go shopping (for socks) with them, or have deep discussions over Starbucks. I'm adjusting to the me that I am becoming with the influence of all of these friends. I have friends to thank for my adjustment in wardrobe actually. I think I enjoy my life a lot more now then I have in the past. I feel I am a lot more honest with myself. I am more aware of how awesomely blessed my life is. Now I'm having to learn how to work with Jesus on fixing the things I'm not hiding from myself. And I'm learning to show my thanks for the blessings in my life. I'm also learning how to show my appreciation of the awesome people God has put in my life.

Then there is that adjustment I talked about in "Processing". That friendship that I saw ending hasn't ended yet, but it has had to make some major adjustments. It's weird how when only one "root" is uprooted and moved it feels like everything is out of place for a minute. But I have plenty of roots in sturdy places keeping me grounded where I need to be.

Processing

2009-04-22T18:00:00.001-07:00

Have you ever had one of those days where you know the best is yet to come but you loathe the worst that must come before it? We have so many promises of the great things to come from God. Most often it is in reference to the hope we have in our salvation and the joy we will share when we meet Jesus in Heaven. There is little talk of the good that will come our way while we shuffle around in this mortal coil. The best we have to go off of is "God works all things together for the good of those who believe in Him." We can have faith in God and He will work everything out for our good.
I think the part that trips us up the most is the word "work". That means it's not going to be like microwave popcorn and be done in a jiffy. Bad things don't happen and then instantly get better. The fact that bad things happen at all still seems to trip up even the more weathered saints. Yes, bad things happen. Kids gets sick, people die, lose jobs, lose homes, and do all kinds of crazy stupid things to hurt each other. The majority of the time there will not be a good answer to the one question asked, "Why?" But yes, bad things do happen. And when they do, more often then not, the "good" doesn't come nearly as quick as we would like.
Everything is a process. Things take time. Sometimes you have to wait a long time in order to find the good that comes from a situation. Grief is a process. Love is a process. Friendship is a process. The very creation of the Earth we currently inhabit was a process. The Earth still functions in a process every second, every minute, every hour, every day. The only fast forward we have is on our remotes. Life is not meant to be fast forwarded through. Yes, there are the annoying parts, the boring parts, and the painful parts. But if you miss one of those, you miss part of the process.
When you read that God is not the god of chaos you have to realize that means he is very much about order. He likes details. Everyday there are signs that point straight to Him. Everyday there is something that you can learn. Take every good thing and every bad thing and try and learn something from it. There is nothing too insignificant.
I don't know if you've ever done this, but I know I have. You get handed a rotten hand, everything is going wrong and you are sure God is out to get you for something wrong. You pray for this to all just go away. You don't want to have to deal with this right now. God being the gentleman that He is, allows it to pass. But heads up, here it comes again just up the road. The second time, He usually won't let you out of it. You have to deal with it, whatever it is. Until you go through that He can't give you the next better thing He has in store for you.

There is nothing like the feeling of loosing a friend. Not a physical death loss, but a loss none the less. You can feel them slip away but you know you can't do anything about it. This too is a process. You have to have faith that God is working all things for your good. Perhaps you need to part ways for now so you can both grow. Maybe one day God will bring you back together again. If not, you have to know that there are better things in store for you. Look to the ways that friend has enriched your life for the season they were in it. If at all possible, even thank them for what they have brought to your life. You will hurt. But just know that one day you will be able to see them again when you meet Jesus.

Who knows, Jesus might have decided your map of heaven was pretty cool and put that friend next door to you after all...

One of "those" moods again

2009-03-28T09:34:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a great night of sleep. I believe the loud thunder and pounding rain lulled me to sleep around 10:30pm and I slept until around 7:30m. That's practically a record for me!
Well, this morning upon waking up I was faced with the decision of trying to make some breakfast for myself, or heading out to get something. After about an hour of deliberation I decided to head out to get something to eat. But first....I must get a shower. So I got my shower...then I got online...then I tried to decide what to wear...Next thing I know it's after 9. So I get in the car and decide to head up to Prattville to go to IHOP. It's some long standing knowledge that the IHOP in Prattville is better than the one in Montgomery. It seems like as soon as I started the car my plans decided to change.
I pulled out of the driveway, got on the interstate...and drove to someplace near Calara. The entire time I was driving I had the music going loud and I was just letting my mind go everywhere. This is not the first time I've taken a mini road trip to nowhere. I used to do these a lot more often many years ago. It's kind of my way of running away without the commitment of actually runnign away. Basically if I have a period of time where I just can't seem to get alone I get in my car and just drive. My car is my bubble. I can talk to myself. I can sing. I can just sit in silence. I can even cry freely! Oddly I can't do this anywhere else. Only in my car on the interstate.
So what am I running from now? The "nothing" that is slowly creeping into my life. I very much dislike it and I'm trying to avoid it. At first I thought it was just a quiet season, now I'm getting a little worried that the season is going to be longer than I had originally thought. But, no worries, things will get better very soon. They always do. How many drives will I take between now and then? That is directly proportionate to the amount of gas in my tank and how well my car behaves.

But I'm sure there is something here

2009-03-01T19:53:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up and it was snowing. On March 1st in Montgomery, Alabama it was snowing. Twenty four hours prior it was raining and we were going crazy listening to tornado sirens. So now I'm sitting here in this Starbucks (CometDoughs) and watching the heaviest snowfall I've seen in years. Normally on a Sunday morning I would be driving to Prattville for church. Due to the weather I was advised to stay in town. This being the weird situation that it is has me thinking that there is something God is speaking to me in this. This will seem completely random to most...but stick with me.
This past week I have had the Barlow Girl song stuck in my head "I Believe". The main chorus goes: "I believe in the sun, even when it's not shining. I believe in love, even when I don't feel it. I believe in God, even when He is silent. I believe."
Friday night we talked about being "common." God said not to call common what He has made holy. Basically don't put down the things that are precious to Him. By the way, we are all precious to Him. No detail of our world or our personal existence is missed by Him.
Last night I hung out with a group of friends. We were playing on the Wii and i was kicking butt in tennis. My opponents switched and I was doing fairly well against my new opponent. Then...he called on Jesus. After that I started loosing. One of the other friends said "Alright Abi, you need to call Him!" I have a long standing idea that God doesn't get involved in this kind of thing. It's like at football games where both teams are praying to win. Which one does God choose to answer? So I kept silent. And I watched as I lost, graciously, to my opponent.
As we left that home that night we talked about the forecast for snow. I made the comment that it's Montgomery Alabama and it just doesn't really snow here. Yes it was rather cold that night, but not really snow cold. I honestly did not believe that it was even going to so much as rain the next day.
So here I am today, sitting in Starbucks, watching the snow fall. What to make of this...I believe that God is trying to tell me that I believe Him for the big things, but totally leave Him out of the "little" things, the "common" things. To God there is no part of our life that He can not be involved in, even a game of Wii tennis. There is nothing that He can not do, including making snow fall on the first day of March in Montgomery, Alabama. God can truly do all things. He created all things and He is in control of all things. Nothing is ever common...

Of Fear And Idols

2009-01-25T16:34:00.000-08:00

I like when I get to teach on friday nights. It's an opportunity to purposefully study the Word in such a way to communicate a message to others. The next two weeks we will be doing lessons on Fear and Idols. As is usually the case, the Pastor of my church has basically handed me my lesson in his Sunday morning service. It was all on puting God first. His lesson focused more on tithing, but it still applies to everything in our lives.

When we go and put other things first in our life we are essentially making that thing our god. We are telling God that this is more important than Him and we like it better. We are placing a high value on something that can not really live up to that value. We are asking this thing to make us happy, fulfill our lives, give us joy and peace. When that doesn't work out we get mad at the thing for not doing it's job. Well, that wasn't it's job! You don't ask a janitor to fill the place of the CEO and get mad at the janitor because he ran the company into the ground.

The Bible talks of how the downfall of Israel was that they feared other gods. They built literal idols to take the place of their Deliverer. The God that took out the Egyptian army was being replaced with a golden calf made by the hands of man. Read through much of the Old Testament and you will see the rollercoaster of kings that served God and kings that made gods. Through it all God's promise was that if they would put Him first then they would have nothing to fear because He would be their protector, provider, everything.

It still amazes me how we can all be just as blind. You might think you are impervious to it, but we are all pretty guilty. God asks for us to put Him first in our lives. Fearfully worship Him alone and keep His commandments. In return He will be our providor, protector, everything. You don't have to worry about...anything really. If you put God in charge He will give you what you need and take care of you everyday. Now putting that into practice...

Something Observed

2009-01-17T07:40:00.000-08:00

When you call yourself someones friend there are a few things you should be willing to do. If you are not willing to do them then perhaps you should re-evaluate the friendship or your priorities.

1. Give a ride
Pick them up, drop them off. Usually this isn't going to be any great inconvenience unless this friend lives out of town. Most of the time you are going to the same place so why not save a little bit of rode and ride together? If you feel like you are being "used" too much start charging for gas money at a reasonable rate. I have also found that this encourages one to keep their car clean. It's kind of embarrassing to have someone get in your car and they have to clear out the seat first or have to carefully place their feet on the junk in the floor board.

2. Talk/Listen
Over coffee, over the phone, online...whatever. No brainer right? You would be surprised! Be ears and a sounding board for them. Everyone needs someone to talk things out with. Be that someone! You don't have to fix them or their problems. Being the listener also helps keep the conversation from being about you. Oh, and this is really important. Don't allow yourself to be distracted when they are talking to you! My biggest pet peev. I know I can get boring, but really, pretend like you are halfway intrested in what I'm saying.

3. Give up your "baby"
Not your child. Your friend is not a baby snatcher...hopefully. For me, my baby is my laptop. For someone else it's their camera, car, tv, gaming system, book(s), tv, musical instrument. It's the one thing you can honestly say you love and you do your best to take care of it all the time. There may come a time when your friend is in need and you've got what they need. It might not be a critical need, but creature comforts are a need sometimes. In all we should not love our stuff so much that we are not willing to part with it for a short period of time.

Just and observation.

Cleaning a little house

2009-01-02T20:31:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I've ever started any year the way I've started this one. I started it by cleaning. I'm actually still in the process of cleaning. The reason? No, I did not suddenly become OCD or make a resolution that I would be a neat freak. I have bed bugs. They aren't harmful but they are really annoying. A couple of good things have come from this experience. One thing is that I am no longer afraid of most bugs. I'm bigger than they are and I can kill most of them quicker than they could kill me. Another thing is that I'm finally getting rid of a lot of junk that I didn't need piled up in my little bitty room. I've contemplated getting a smaller bed but that would just be going a bit far. I've been sleeping on a queen size bed since I was 10 or so.

Beyond the bug issue I have also been cleaning up some other stuff. My health for starters. Since I had joined Planet Fitness back in March or April I have lost a total of about 30lbs. I have another 13lbs to go before my first goal and another 10 lbs to each goal after that for a total of about 43 lbs. That is my dream goal. I'll be okay if I only get to the 33 lbs, but I'd really like to get to the 43 lbs and stay there. I have a lot of encouragement from friends and even some family to keep me going. In addition to that I have been eating better so I just feel better the majority of the time. So in essence I have a head start on that resolution to lose weight and get in shape.

On the mental and spiritual front I think I'm doing a lot better than I ever have before. That's just my assessment. As with everything, it's a work in progress. You can never be done with any project. This is something I have learned from my sister-in-law. Yes Helen, your compulsion to rearrange and redecorate has actually taught me a lesson. We should never be totally satisfied with where we are right now. We should always be striving to better ourselves and reach higher levels of perfection. But the striving should never be one of self-hate. The striving should be motivated by love. You have to know that God loves you just the way you are. And your response to that love should be to want to get closer to Him. The best way to get close to Him is to follow in the footsteps of Jesus and thereby be perfect as He is perfect. We can't just give up on the goal of perfection as being totally unreachable. Much like with weight loss and exercise you have to set up small goals that lead to big goals. I like 2 Peter 1:5-8 for this very reason. It talks about building on your faith to keep you effective and productive. A friend of mine has a quote on their email that says "Once a mind is stretched it can never return to it original form."

So, here's hoping that our minds will continually be stretched, our faith will continually be tested, and our waistlines will continue to shrink.